I’m in a constant struggle between moving on and giving up a constant struggle between being thankful that it happened and kinda wishing that it had not. I’m always struggling with myself, not knowing what decision to make, not knowing what’s right or wrong for myself, not knowing what will happen next.
But there’s something I want to know – so desperately for the answer that it burns with urgency every time I think about it (which is pretty damn often).
Where is this going? Should I continue my seemingly worthless pursuit, or should I stop? To give up, or not? Will I ever see the daylight? Will I ever know with every step I take, what it will bring me?
I need to know, but with every second the clock ticks I’m losing time.
I don’t wanna lose it all, without knowing why I’ve been here in the first place. I wanna step down knowing that 4 years hasn’t been a waste of time. I wanna step down knowing that I’ve left behind something for the benefit of future batches, I want to know, I need to know, the reason why I’m doing it all. And why, as surreal as it seems, that through all the obstacles I pushed on, on the brink of failure and self-pity I somehow managed to overcome it and rise up higher than I’ve ever been. It must’ve been something I’ve always held close to me, something that gave me a meaning, something that I love, something that means more than anything in the world to me.
Most of the times I’ve been pretty successful, but there were times where I’ve been faced with shameful defeat. I’ve let those who supported me down, disappointed those who believed in me. I’ve made mistakes, been complacent and even cocky at times. I’ve been immature, maybe even childish at times. I’m still learning, but left with not much time.
Time is running out.
I’m apologetic for all that I’ve let down, I’m thankful for all the support I’ve received. All in all, I’ve never regretted being involved in this, walking side by side for 4 years, and although bad things do happen, but in the end I dare say we will end this journey together, as one, altogether.
For now, I want to cherish every game I get to play, I want to play my best and allow no more room for anxiety and mistakes, I want to finish every game knowing that regardless of the result, I’ve done my best.
No regrets.
I hope to prove everyone that has doubted me wrong, and for all the mistakes I’ve made I want to mend it up.
I want to be strong, will you let me be strong?
I want to be a fighter, will you help me be a fighter?
Just a few more games left, I want to push myself to my limit. I don’t care if I collapse in fatigue after every match, I don’t care if I lose myself fighting for what I want. I want everyone to know that where there’s something I love, there’s someone like me stubborn enough to never give up even though faced with so many troubles and fears.
With you, I will be brave, I will conquer it all.
; 