Month: May 2014

This just feels so right, like how it’s supposed to be. Blessed, like a blooming red rose.

A few months ago, I was at the lowest. I thought I’d never climb out of the darkness, and nobody would know the pain. I wouldn’t want to tell anyone about the pain anyway. For the whole period of time nobody knew I suffered through the worst heartaches, I couldn’t make myself open up however hard things got. I used to ask myself if I’d ever see the end of the darkness. I did. At least, I think I did.

I learnt to look on the brighter side of things, and give myself a chance to give others a chance. I used to shut people out even though they may want to approach me. I used to be so blinded with my naive thoughts I didn’t see the good things that came. I learnt to let the things that aren’t meant to be go, and seized the opportunities that came to me. It’s no use chasing something if it’s not meant to be, right? Let it go, there are better opportunities knocking on the door.

Now, I realize I am beyond blessed. I am beyond blessed to have all these. I have been naive, I have been blind. I want to open my eyes and look on the brighter side of life. I want to look at past naivety and smile that it taught me how to move on.

Collision
kəˈlɪʒ(ə)n/
noun
noun: collision; plural noun: collisions
1.
an instance of one moving object or person striking violently against another.

I think that would be the perfect word to describe my life now. I’m literally colliding with everything, from the stupidest mistakes I have ever made, to the crappiest conflict I have ever gotten into, to the shittiest report card grade, to the luckiest math test I have ever scraped, to the sweetest reunion ever.

I collide into unexpected things. A lot. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes not so. Most of the times both good or bad take me equally by surprise, and leave similar amounts of impact on me either positively or negatively. I want to choose to see things positively.

It’s the smallest things that ignites a burning fire. I wouldn’t ever underestimate the power of small, unworthy of noticing things because every huge thing begins with a small, unnoticeable thing. I trust that.

I’m thankful of God’s gift to me, I’m thankful for what I’m blessed to have – something extremely rare to find and not a lot of people have. I’m thankful of all the love, the kindness and cooperation I receive everyday in my life. I’m thankful for forgiveness for all the wrong things I’ve done, and I’m thankful for everything that has happened regardless of good or bad, because that’s just the way this world should be.

I collide into a lot of things, some have very deep impacts on me. I collide into things on accident – a lot. But maybe, if fate has it – this is how I should be. A reckless girl on the loose, crash-coursing life’s intentions for me, changing plans originally made, and making new opportunities out of pure chance.

I am a wreck, but if I am, I want to be a good one. I want to make a good mess, a mess I would look back one day and be like, damn I’m glad I messed up.

I guess at any point of time, people mess up all around the world. Messing up is a ….. normal thing ….. a human thing, in fact. But yet, when we do mess up it really just feels terrible.

Our close friends can mess up and we’ll be telling them it’s okay, there is a second chance. Our family members mess up time to time and we forgive them as well. Then what is it, that makes it so hard for us to forgive ourselves when we mess up? Why do we give advice to others when we can’t heed it ourselves, and still expect others to heed our advice?

It’s not easy to accept our own flaws, because everyone has a desire of perfection. I guess it even comforts us whenever someone else messes up in a sense, honestly, if someone never messed up they’re probably not human, as selfish as that sounded. Everyone has to mess up at a point of time, only to prove to others that they are only human.

Then maybe, it’s time to forgive myself for my flaws. If others can forgive me, then so can I. It’s time to stop picturing a perfect, flawless self and start facing up to my weaknesses. It’s time to embrace them, for making me who I am. The perfection in the imperfections need to be realized as well.

Maybe, just maybe, one day I will wake up and smile for all the times that I’ve messed up, knowing that it is only what makes me human.

“I’m still kind of a mess. But I think we all are. No one’s got it all together. I don’t think you ever do get it totally together. Probably if you did manage to do it you’d spontaneously combust. I think that’s a law of nature. If you ever manage to become perfect, you have to die instantly before you ruin things for everyone else.”
― Michael Thomas Ford

I want to be different, different above everyone else.

I want to make a change, a change that affects everything.

I want a destiny, a destiny made just for me.

I want happiness, happiness created by you and me.

On a side note, I can’t believe I survived this week. This week has been hands down the most hectic week of 2014 thus far, with 2 tests and 3 major graded projects due. Every day has been a rush against time for the past 5 days, sleeping way past 12 almost every single day. But I’m glad, I’m glad I survived it. At least things are looking better now, at least I can look back and say, I thought I’d never make it, I honest thought I would break down halfway through the week. But I didn’t, I survived, and I feel fantastic.

Training wise, I’m finally getting a grip back on myself. For the past few weeks I’ve been so terribly off form I go home and question my own purpose in this CCA anymore. I felt like ever since season ended I’ve been on a downhill rollercoaster and I would never come back up again, but I’m returning back to normal standards. Not yet, but I’m improving. Not quite, but I can feel it coming.

Another important milestone in my life is, whilst having the busiest week of the entire year, I turned 16 – subconsciously so. Subconsciously amidst the mad rush for projects, I turned sixteen without realizing it. It has been quite a 16 years on Earth, with so much things having happened in my life. I’ve been through quite a lot, experienced a lot of things though I can’t say I’ve been through everything because there are some things you just never want to experience. But I’m 16, one of the major milestones in life because sixteen is the age whereby people start treating you as grown ups. You get to watch NC16 movies now, people respect you more, and a lot of activities require the minimum age requirement of 16 years old. Well, I’m 16. I can do a lot more things than I used to be able to, and while I cherish the thought of more freedom, inevitably it also places more responsibility on my shoulders, in a sense.

Another thing I feel like I have to address is the way of education in Singapore. Do we go to school, work so hard just to see a particular letter of the alphabet printed out on our report cards? To what extent can the alphabet bring us in life, to what extent do we owe our happiness to that single alphabet? Why neglect your health, why get yourself so worked up and demoralized just for one single alphabet. They always say, grades are very important, but they never realized that in today’s society it pretty much decides your life. It’s a sad, hard truth, but undeniably it is something none of us can escape from. Stereotypes, we all know that. As much as we hate stereotyping, it is something inevitable and every single one of us do that every single day, regardless if consciously or subconsciously. We can’t help it, I can’t help it. No one can. I’m not good at argumentative essays, I can’t express myself well enough on paper how unfair I feel this society has come to, but I really do feel this way.

I’ve also come to realize that the best things in life comes in a small package of surprise. When you’re not expecting something to happen, the happening of it tends to make you a lot happier than when you did expect it. This is why we should put our hopes low, such that happiness would be easier achievable. Happiness is a virtue and everyone has their entitlement to happiness, but some people put the bar so high it’s almost impossible for them to feel any at all. Why set your standards so high when at the end of the day everyone is the same? Be happy, that’s what I always believed in. Be happy, and those around you will start doing the same. It’s a routine, and if good things keep circulating, the whole place will be a happy place to live in.

Finally, I feel like I have to address my emotions lately. I don’t know if it’s anything like an infatuation because I don’t think it is, but it’s as confusing as you reading this (if anyone even reads this) as it is to me trying to decipher my own feelings. I realized that lately I’ve been on constant mood swings and a lot of my feelings revolve around somebody I should probably not have any business dealing with. It’ll soon be over, that’s the only hope I can cling on to. I don’t know, man. I don’t know.

I believe one should always be truthful when writing handwritten cards, it’s the next best way of being sincere to someone apart from talking face to face with them. I’m not directing this at anyone in particular, but I just felt the need to say this. If you want to write a note to someone, please be sincere.

I’ve been wanting to say this whole chunk of text for quite a while, but I haven’t had the time and I didn’t know how to phrase it all into one post. It’s a try, a pretty good try I would say. At least, it feels good to have something off my chest.

I always try to blog, but I can’t find the right words.

Forgive me, I have too much to say. Maybe that’s why I end up not saying anything.

There’s a thunderstorm brewing internally, but nothing escapes my mouth.

I’m sorry, it’s not that I have nothing to say. I just don’t know how to phrase it, I just don’t know how to say it without being sensitive.

I just don’t know what to say.