Month: January 2015

You were always the stupider friend.

You were always the one getting lesser attention than everyone else.

You were always the one picked on. You shut others out.

You tell everyone it’s fine, it’s okay. You’re screaming you’re okay when tears are streaming down your face. It’s okay. It’s okay. Everything is okay.

It’s okay when their words hurt when they tease you because they’re your captain. It’s okay they don’t respect your feelings because you’re not on the same standing as them. It’s okay that they don’t ever have to understand, because I won’t let them. It’s okay, the metal gate is bolted shut.

It’s okay that you’re always feeling inferior. It’s okay you’re always the one reaching for the helping hand and never the one holding out to help. It’s okay to feel useless, it’s okay to cry over and over and over, repeat process.

It’s okay to let others hurt you. It’s okay to see yourself crumble. It’s okay that all your heartstrings are torn and tattered and your hearts are in bits and pieces on the floor and no one bothers to pick them up for you. Learn to be independent, right?

Learn to suck it up. It’s okay if your heart breaks. No one could ever give two seconds to care about it.

Learn to accept that your definition of screwing up is different from others. Learn to accept that they’ll never be half as screwed as you even when they’ve reached maximum screw up point.

If you repeat a lie enough, it turns to politics and religion.

It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s okay.

It’s just an event of hitting rock bottom, mine has no cushion to support my fall.

Maybe I could really take a little shelter in your presence now.

I’ve tried and failed, I’ve failed and tried many many times. They say there are demons on earth, I find them lurking deep within ourselves. They possess us with negativity, they tell us we will fail. They tell us we’ll never see the light, they tell us there’s someone else always better than you.

What is the definition of someone better than you? – Honestly, I don’t know.

At the end of a bad day, bad bad consecutive days, there’ll always be a part of your demon nibbling at your broken heart pieces. You’re a loser. You’re not good enough. She’ll always be better than you even when she doesn’t try. Maybe it’s my fault I thought it was so easy to win.

At the end of a bad day when someone takes your hand and walks you home under the moonlight, at least your demons spared your starlight. At least your demons felt the warmth, even though to them the size of a dust mite.

Even though they’ll come back and haunt you again the next time, even though you’ll break down again hidden in the dark sky, don’t relent. Don’t relent because even your demons cringed under the moonlight. Don’t relent because even your demons felt love in the size of a dust mite.

Don’t relent, because you hold the flash light.

She had average hair and a face overlooked in public, not the type of girl you’d take to parties. She had a smile that wasn’t too plastic, yet seemingly she goes unnoticed.

Don’t look too hard for beauty, you’ll find it in simplicity.

Maybe it’s the hurricane of thoughts that penetrates her mind at 1am in the morning. Maybe it’s the chills I feel down my spine. Maybe it’s the thrills of a journey unending, unknown phone calls from a dead line.

It has always been her mind’s internal monologue, her lips were never taught to speak. An explosion could take place deep inside, you wouldn’t see it toe to tip.

She never wanted to accept love, if she loved you she won’t speak. She’ll wait for you to walk away, her heart you left in bits.

You’ll never know how she feels, you can’t see it from her skin. Deep eyes and heavily lined palms, you can’t tell what’s beneath.

(( Don’t push her away, please hold her safe. Don’t send her off in the light drizzle, find her and kiss her in the rain. Don’t forget you are blessed, don’t forget you begged her to stay. Don’t forget the day she gave you everything, her heart you held at stake. ))

Life has it’s share of happiness and disappointment. I agree that not everyone is entitled to happiness at every single moment of the day, and I also perceive that everyone should face their dosages of unhappiness from time to time. I admit that life is a sail boat against the currents of harsh reality and a strong supporter of Darwinism. I admit, I admit, I admit and I admit. I throw a fit. Once, twice, thrice, roll a dice. *sigh*

It’s a new year. New hopes, new goals, new start to all the shitty old pasts you’ll never say. New people, new faces, new duties and the same old things too boring to name.

But some things never change.

I’ll never see the innocence flashing in your eyes,
nor the pain you’ve dealt with all this time.
I won’t regret the decision I made,
supposedly changing my life.

I’ll never feel the bruises of a heart,
destined not to be mine.
Pitter patter – teardrop sky;
Little wings teach me how to fly.

I’ll never understand human lips,
Blatant truth and broken sky.
The window to your heart is open,
But your lips tells a lie.

I’ll never see the truth upcoming,
Let the luck dice be rolling.
Blood tastes like metal,
Get up, get on, keep going.

Even though I don’t have a reason to substantiate my doings, maybe I’ll just keep on going. You push me into the dirt and left me hanging, your neglect gets me burning.

I don’t have a reason, I don’t need to be convinced.

At the end of the day, get up, get on, keep going.

My pains you’ll never see.

It’s my first time as a class chairperson and as surreal as it seems to even myself it is undeniably a large responsibility that drives me out of my usual daze in school. From paying attention in morning announcements for the need for chairpersons to meet teachers to forcing my eyelids open during lecture and tutorials for the fear that the chairperson might be caught sleeping in class. It’s a universal thing that the minute something goes wrong the leader gets accused, leaving the leader no room for error himself and of course if I sleep in class I know I’m screwed. So I try not to. I am trying hard. And to hand up all my assignments on time and produce better quality work.

And then of course being the first time I know I’m not the best chairperson out there. I’m not the most enthusiastic chairperson you’ll have and I’m not the perfect A student and perfect leader that you’ll have. But I’m really trying hard to stay on track, and I really would appreciate constructive feedback instead of telling me what I just tried to do for the class was a failure. I’m sorry if I fail from time to time. I promise I’ll get better at it.

I know that the form teachers have yet to see my serious side because I’m always putting up a public facade filled with fun and laughter, and I deep down know that sometimes she doubts if I am capable enough of serving this class as the highest position. If need be, I will display my inner wreck of a 12am self to wipe off the smile on my face. But I don’t think that’s very helpful at all. I am trying, I am trying to juggle between fun and seriousness, but trust me when I say I am not a good for nothing fun lover because if you have never seen my serious side I don’t think you’ll want to see it. Spare yourself from the darkness.

Classmates – they’re good enough. They’re quite cooperative and at least they don’t insult me to my face that I suck, if I do, and they’re pretty friendly people who treats me like a human being instead of a nonexistent shadow. And if I ever let any of you down I’m sorry, I am still learning to be better. Teach me if you know how to.

And to anyone who doubts me, I want to prove you wrong. I want to show myself that I’m not someone who feeds off benefits of others without returning to serve at least a quarter of what I have taken. I want to experience the joy and pain of giving, to feel the sharp pain of ingratitude as well as the warmth and joy of accomplishment.

I am still learning, learning is a long process and I don’t have much time. I will try if necessary to change anything I can change, and if need be, I will wipe my smile off my face to earn your trust in me. I don’t just smile and laugh, I serve to smile and I laugh to learn.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if I’m still not the best.

In the end, what really matters is knowing that I’ve given what I can.

Your eyes tell a story of distrust,
A critical look of disgust.
Your silhouette a message of fear,
Every step I take you are near.

Your actions tell a story of disbelief,
Your hands craft the way to the cliff.
Every dubious look a way to kill,
Keeping it in is hard to deal.

Your mouthed words strike me hard,
Nonexistent chances and glass shards.
You took your leave in fleets of steps,
I took mine in shimmering sweat.

You probably will not believe me,
Someday I will be amazing.
Your aura the shape of a spear,
I’ll be the impenetrable in my tears.

There are times I wondered what ever made us be,
Why the state of “we”.
Why the moons and stars shone up high,
The taste of sugary wine.

There are times I wondered at the night wind,
Why caress my hair and then leave.
Why treat everyone differently,
Then turn your back and flee.

There are times I gazed into your eyes,
Finding myself a truth in me.
You let me through your window,
I promise I’ll safekeep the key.

There are times a touch is too far apart,
A kiss travels ten thousand seas.
I’ll never forget the night we stayed up talking,
1am come closer to me.