Month: March 2016

It’s been a year since I left and things have proceeded just as I had expected it to.

I miss all of you – I miss all of us, and the fun times we’ve had as one, back when the days were younger and more carefree. I apologize for the tantrums I’ve childishly thrown and for being too blatantly outspoken and sometimes downright insensitive and proud.

I hope you’re happy where you are, who you are, and how far we’ve all came since the very beginning of time. I hope you’re proud of what you’ve attained, and I hope behind every action you have sufficient substantiation to back yourself up. I do not understand you, and will no longer attempt to try and figure you out, but sincerely I hope that you are happy. 

We do not say hi on the corridors anymore, instead we both look at our phones and walk past each other hastily.

Thank you all for shaping me and my adolescence into somewhat delightful years of my life, but unfortunately they were not meant to last for very long.

Perhaps after this year, we may part into separate paths of life but may we never forget the road that we once walked together on.

All the best for your last Nationals.

At 1.35am, the subconscious mind demands to be alive and refuses all forms of attempts to sleep. It is confused and perplexed over the meaning of life, and the purpose it is here to serve. The mind wants to know why their human is programmed into this particular bed she is sleeping in, which in turn is being situated in this very apartment, which in turn is located in this very region of this particular (very) small country, out of all the continents of this particular world.

The mind wants to know why the ultra-fine line between life and death is that last crucial breath, or the Chinese like to call it, 气. It is as miraculous as it is tragic, how the absence of one breath can take a life away in entirety. Every day, a human takes in so many breaths, yet none of them can be undermined. Every single breath out of the millions we take is absolutely vital, every single breath is a challenge between life and death.

The mind wants to know what is jealousy, and the toxicity it results in. We all have things no one else owns, yet our endless pursuit for the “better” destroys relationships and crushes hopes. The mind is sometimes jealous of another human being, regardless be it for their wealth, their brains, or their looks. The mind wants things we do not, and sometimes cannot have. The mind wants to possess sometimes not only its own human, but the physical and emotional aspects of other humans too. 

Sometimes, two minds meet and intertwine for a while, and unexchanged secrets are exchanged. Thereafter, the mind may feel intruded and violated, and the mind may shut other willing minds out from conversation and social exchange. 

The mind does not understand the heart, for its stubbornness and stupidity. The mind has every reason to move on, yet the heart claims again and again, “Let’s try again”, until the human is so bruised and so broken that they are forced to move on. The mind will then blame the heart, but the heart still beats on tirelessly and optimistically despite experiencing excruciating pain. The heart is the biggest optimist, it never gives up even when the mind has long taken its leave.

The mind wants to intertwine with your mind, but will your heart accept it?

I am tired of feeling this way, but tonight just took a plunge for the absolute worst.

Help.

I am at a loss of what to say because my internal mind is in a mess. I realize I am quite a screwed up person and my mentality when viewing certain things are extremely corrupted and morally incorrect. I think that by not speaking your thoughts, you are able to avoid some of the troubles, but eventually people may read you over time.

I do not understand how all these is making such an influence on me, and the need to self-reflect is real. My pride is in the way and it is not convinced why I should take the first step to apologize for something I do not think I did wrong. Do we sometimes really need to give up on our pride just to salvage a relationship that matters to you? What will be the outcome, and is it worth sacrificing my pride for something I’m not even certain in? 

I am heavily oppressed by the different opinions people have on the same matter, and how different people react differently to the same situation. There are things that I certainly do not agree to, yet sometimes it seems that the whole world does not share the same opinion as me. I fight a battle of practicality against liberty, the line between independence and heartlessness is so fine you need a microscope to see it.

Variety. It’s necessary but quite scary. You digest everyone’s two cents and learn about their take on different aspects of life, and then you must decide whose opinions and suggestions you want to keep and whose is better to discard to the back or your mind. Not everyone is mean and cruel but even then the nicest people sometimes do not give the best advices. Sometimes you need a hard blow, an extremely blunt statement of ugly truth to really acknowledge that your pride is not everything. Not everyone is gentle and tender in the ways they love, but everyone loves with a common desire for a change for the better. Understand how they love, and love them back to the same extent that they loved you.

There is no outcome when there is null imput. How can you expect things to remain as it is without consistent effort and dedication? How can there only be talk but no action? What you think is trivial and practically useless if they are not converted into action. 

I do not enjoy inconsistency but I shall acknowledge the things that I cannot and will never have. However, since thoughts mean nothing until they are delivered, then let my thoughts wander free in this vast universe of my mind.

I am a dreamer by nature, forced into harsh practicality under the pressure of inescapable reality.

Let me dream on, please. I have somehow downloaded corrupted reality into my dreams, but I want to dream pure again.