Month: August 2016

Today, I speak louder and I stand higher than I ever stood on moral ground. I am confident. I am courageous. I am brave.

I am a survivor of a heartbreak, the torn and tattered remains of a relationship gone wrong. It is very true that you will never understand the degree of emotional trauma and pain someone else is going through during a breakup, until you actually experience it for yourself. 

I thought, I thought everything would turn out fine. A few quarrels and bickering here and there, normal, right? 

No. It became worse, and it took a huge toll on my studies and my emotional health. Never in my life have I ever been on the list of subpar students, and this year after all that emotional trauma I find myself landing somewhere I’ve never been, lower than I’ve ever gone to. Somewhere I don’t think I deserve to be.

It took 6 months for me to get back to full recovery, and even then the story is not over. I would consistently lie to myself and the people around me that everything is fine, even when deep down I know the hole is not fully patched. Secretly, I knew that I had much to be sorry for to those around me who didn’t hurt me, who cared for me, but I never got down to saying sorry just because I didn’t think they would understand why I would be sorry for, even though the reasons themselves were crystal clear to me.

The truth is, we push away the people that want to be there for us while we chase those that we want (who most of the time are usually not there for us). We tend to forget to stop and think how each and every individual’s act of kindness, down to the very minute details of even striking a conversation with us is a blessing that should not be forgotten. After all, everything begins with a single “hello”, but not everything ends off with a bittersweet “goodbye”. 

Trust me, little actions convey a lot of meanings. Learn to read between the lines, listen beyond the words and see ahead of the actions. Every single movement tells a story, and every single word counts.

Today, I am stronger than I was yesterday, and ever before. I will fight you with my patience and my peace, my laughter and my happiness, and I will embrace the coldness you hurl at me out of your pained soul with my newfound warmth.

I will never forget the happy moments, but I will forgive your wrongs. I don’t blame you, it’s not exactly your fault, but I want nothing to do with you that hurts me anymore.

Come at me with your spears, if you wish, I will stay rooted, I will stay firm, I will be victorious.

Darling, tonight I don’t know what to do without you.
How subtly you drive me insane, I should never be able to comprehend how you pull on my heartstrings this way.

Darling, tonight I can’t breathe on my own.
My breath encapsulated in your hands need to be on its own again.

No amount of literature can express my pain, 

Everyday seemingly a test to the muscles on my face 

Perk up, wake up and smile through the day.

Darling, maybe you shouldn’t be so captivating.
You know not how the slightest actions of yours keep me falling for you.

Regardless, tonight I ask of you,

Take me to heaven,

Or right next beside you.

To me, they’re the same

Synonymous and identical.

I seem to always be caught up in bad timings. Right places at the wrong time. Missing my step a split second too late, crashing too hard right after the warning was given.

But, it’s not too late, right? People have the rights to dream, and maybe one day their dreams will come true. Some dreams must come true, however minuscule. 

I don’t ask for much, I ask for happiness. I ask for the sensation of being loved, the gesture that I am being thought about in the most innocent ways. Maybe, I don’t know what I want, nor do I know how to properly reciprocate. It seems like I’ve done so many regretful things, cringeworthy in so many aspects, yet still on search for self-balance and the salvation from my sins. I don’t mean to offend anyone, I’ve never struck to derive pleasure off anyone. Still, I’m a wretched, lost sheep. My soul is torn and tattered by painful regrets and my heart once battered by the guilt of my sins.

I’m afraid to approach you because I don’t want to hurt you. I want you in the most innocent ways a sinner can ever hope to define innocence. I want to see your smile radiate that way, every single day, first thing in the morning, lighting up my day better than the sun can. I want to see your eyes sparkle, every single day, like the twinkle of the night sky kissing me to sleep.

I don’t want you to feel pressurized or hurt, or even distressed because I feel so much for you. I’ll keep your smile in my heart, twinkle in my eyes forever because they remind me of you. I’ve never been as truthful as I was to you when I told you that I loved your smile – it’s true, but not completely true. I loved your smile, but more importantly I love you. You invade my plain dreams and take me to paradise in the wee hours of the morning, gently sending me off back to reality at the first rays that penetrate my room. You taught me how to feel, ever so discreetly in front of you, even when my heart was exploding with emotion. I hope you’ll never guess that how shy I am in front of you, how I’ll purposely not have any physical touch with you just because I will get addicted to you. The only reason why I ever avoided you is because I don’t want to fall too hard for you, darling, but you are still every bit perfect and breathtaking.

Flashback: I missed the times where communicating with you was trivial talk with no hidden meanings. Where smiles were genuine amiable smiles and your actions didn’t affect my mood. Nonetheless, I’ll safekeep your innocence and carefreeness by never telling you how much I feel until you’re ready to. I’ll never force you into doing something you don’t want to, and I’ll let you go whenever you want to.

Perhaps, when you love a flower, you should just leave it to grow. By picking it up, it’ll slowly suffocate and die when love is supposed to heal. I understand that you need to roam and grow, but if someday you will come to me I promise I’ll never make you cold.

X

Darling,

Remember when I told you I’d never fall for you? I lied.

I’m a wicked beast, a liar and bipolar. Hidden under these sheets of falsity I’ve only fallen for you even worse. 

I’ve fallen for everything about you – your eyes, smile, personality, the crinkles at the corner of your mouth. 

I can’t lie to you, I’m shy as hell around you. You make my heart race, but I don’t even know if I know how to love you. 

You rob me of my words and take my breath away. You’re an addiction I hope to never resist.

May I tell you I love you? It’s killing me to conceal myself.