Month: October 2016

I felt so much for you that
Now I feel, almost nothing
except the dull aches that
Surge through my veins.

 
The memories are encapsulated
deep down, in the darkest corner
the first time I let you in and felt you
take my breath away.

 
Remember how we used to laugh?
I didn’t smile because it was funny,
but because the reflection of your eyes
Struck me like lightning.

 
I’ve told countless lies but
I’ll never forget how I told you
Everything is okay when you
Set my world up in flames.

 

Last night I saw myself in my dream, in the perspective of your eyes.

I walked around in your skin, saw the world through your eyes and felt every single little difference of yours that was not mine.

I saw the scars that I left on your skin, the memories that made you cry. I felt the tenderness of a touch I’ve once been so familiar with, heard the words from the voice before everything turned into a lie.

My blood flows, together with my tears. It’s hard imagining all these, but my dreams are perhaps the most powerful form of catharsis that I know of. I rarely dream, but when I do it feels so realistic that I wake up in a pool of my own sweat.

I’ve forgiven you for all the faults you have done, but perhaps you will never forgive me for mine. You’ve always told me of ugly truths that I always deny, despite knowing from deep down that you’re probably right.

You’re right, darling. You’re right about this since the beginning. You saw it coming before I did, and you told me that I have left before I even realized it. You told me I was no longer the same, you told me my eyes didn’t lie. You told me you could see through all of my lies because I was too afraid to admit them, but you never asked me why.

You read me to extents I don’t comprehend of myself, and you force my eyes open to the realities I didn’t want to face. You saw me fall hard in the world of someone else but you never forced me to stay, and maybe – just maybe, you saw this coming along all the way.

Perhaps, I’ll choke on my own tears and my blood will run dry. They tell me I shouldn’t be blaming myself for my feelings but I can’t understand why. Regardless if you are a day, or a hurricane, you’ll always be the reason why my dreams are better than reality and until then, our lives will never cross paths again.

“How can I reconcile this passion

with our modesty
your calvinist heritage

my girlhood frozen into forms
how can I go on this mission

without you
you, who might have told me

everything you feel is true?” 

― Adrienne Rich, The Dream of a Common Language

And how can I possibly come to consensus with myself

that it was indeed all a lie?

A spark ignited out of nowhere,

a flame destined to die.
A voice that is all too foreign,

a vision clouded by misty eyes.

A scent too faint to detect,

a cry too muffled by the invisible line.

There’s nothing to reconcile

Nothing left to hide

There’s nothing to be afraid of

Not when it’s already killed you inside.

But don’t you see, it’s got nothing to do with your physical existence that leaves an impact on me. 

The moonlit sky at night and the first morning rays are all it takes to reopen all of the wounds I’ve been wanting to hide from you. All the lies I’ve told to cover up for a promise I once made no longer matters because I’ve exposed them all unintentionally anyway.

The letter at the corner of my room is rotting, and keep on rotting it shall. Take away all of my faded memories even when they threaten to take my identity away from me. I have lost this battle with myself, again, but I no longer feel any pain.

Perhaps, this was what I expected. Arguably, even what I wanted. But even if it kills me, I’ll tattoo your last words into my veins and poison myself with the lost hopes of earlier days.

My apologies come in incoherent waves and my colours spill everywhere and all over the place.

Tonight, I’ll unlock the chains that kept my mind at bay.

Run, run away and be free.