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“How can I reconcile this passion

with our modesty
your calvinist heritage

my girlhood frozen into forms
how can I go on this mission

without you
you, who might have told me

everything you feel is true?” 

― Adrienne Rich, The Dream of a Common Language

And how can I possibly come to consensus with myself

that it was indeed all a lie?

A spark ignited out of nowhere,

a flame destined to die.
A voice that is all too foreign,

a vision clouded by misty eyes.

A scent too faint to detect,

a cry too muffled by the invisible line.

There’s nothing to reconcile

Nothing left to hide

There’s nothing to be afraid of

Not when it’s already killed you inside.

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But don’t you see, it’s got nothing to do with your physical existence that leaves an impact on me. 

The moonlit sky at night and the first morning rays are all it takes to reopen all of the wounds I’ve been wanting to hide from you. All the lies I’ve told to cover up for a promise I once made no longer matters because I’ve exposed them all unintentionally anyway.

The letter at the corner of my room is rotting, and keep on rotting it shall. Take away all of my faded memories even when they threaten to take my identity away from me. I have lost this battle with myself, again, but I no longer feel any pain.

Perhaps, this was what I expected. Arguably, even what I wanted. But even if it kills me, I’ll tattoo your last words into my veins and poison myself with the lost hopes of earlier days.

My apologies come in incoherent waves and my colours spill everywhere and all over the place.

Tonight, I’ll unlock the chains that kept my mind at bay.

Run, run away and be free.