Month: November 2016

They say, that it takes 20 seconds of intense courage and bravery, and something amazing will happen.

I took 9 months. With external help.

Was it amazing? I don’t know. Was it relieving? Probably. Did anything change? Probably not. Do I regret it? No. 

In fact, I have never been as relieved and at ease with myself. All these ambiguity and awkward tension, all the suspicion and misunderstandings have significantly subsided, at least for me. My knees have never felt so weak, palms sweatier than they have ever been sweaty, and I was almost certain I was going to pass out when I heard your footsteps inching closer and closer. I could barely breathe. Get your shit together. 

I probably would have never done this, but I probably should have done it a long time ago. I probably should have taken the chance to look into your eyes and to just tell you the honest truth, I probably should never have turned back to watch you leave and your figure disappear into afar. Probably.

5 years ago, I would’ve been so proud of myself today. But I am not brave, I am not courageous, I am merely a complete mess of fear and anxiety propelled by adrenaline and peer support. I am so tired, so emotionally and physically exhausted – but I finally managed to face my demons.

Nothing much has changed, though. At least, to me.

A fever has come to visit me shortly after, very possibly as though telling me “Congrats dickhead, you finally did it.”

Yes, I finally did it. 

You are sugar, curiosity and rain;
Lightly tapping on my asleep soul,
Gently reassuring my rage that
Everything will soon be okay.

I seem to have ran in a great circle,
Just to have met myself back at the starting line;
The footsteps you have left behind, marks
Every single thought in my mind.

You are smoke made with fumes of sighs,
Blurry as hell yet you illuminate my sky.
I am contemplation, and I am enthusiasm-
All my empires built on shaky butterflies.

We stood there and looked at each other,
Saying nothing which meant everything.
I crash into the trembling void, and set fire to
the galaxies between us I’d hoped would collide.

I own none of these quotes. All credits go to Lang Leav for her beautifully written quotes that resonate so well with me.

I am having an absolute nightmare, yet completely paralyzed from head to toe. I jerk my eyes open and lie in complete stillness fully aware that my limbs are malfunctioning, knowing there is nothing I can do to help myself get out of this horrid situation.

Sleep paralysis strikes again, and for the longest of times I have been trying to understand why it happens to me so often. There is a feeling of utter terror, knowing that you have lost all control of your body except your mind, watching helplessly as you lie in your bed or sometimes on the floor and hoping this would all end quickly. Is this how death feels like? To have lost all physical sensation, to be wide awake to witness your own limbs failing on you. And your dreams, they return and haunt you, as though mocking you for having such a weak body.

I wake up in a pool of my own sweat, my mouth is dry and my hands are clammy. I try and speak, but my mouth isn’t moving. I can’t twitch my fingers and toes however hard I try, eventually I knock myself back out and drift back into my nightmare. Everything reminds me of death. Everything reminds me how lucky I am to be alive. If sleep paralysis be a simulation of death, I am not ready to die.

My clothes are soaked and my sheets are a mess. I stumble down my bed and feel the sensation slowly returning back to my limbs. I check that I am still alive. 

Sleep is wonderful. Sleep is supposed to be wonderful. Except, sometimes it is not.

There are certain things that are better felt with the heart and imagined with the mind, than to try and pursue in real life. There are certain people that come into our lives so unexpectedly but they leave behind the strongest memories, albeit increasingly minimal contact in real life. Perhaps, this shall be one of the very last times that we will ever meet, and maybe – just maybe, this is where our worlds will have its greatest collision yet.

To be very honest with you, I have long conceded to my fate and my emotions that this is where I stand. I am done with the tiresome attempts to deny myself of my own emotions that fail every single time, with each relapse even more emotionally traumatic than the previous time. I have said this since late January, and finally I will say it aloud and convince my heart to start facing a very basic reality: I have fallen so hard for you. I no longer care what I will think about myself, I no longer care about the cringeworthy naïvetés of the past. I will not let my head hang low from past shameful events, and I will walk through this storm knowing that I must, regardless of the outcome, regardless of the process.

I guess that you have already found out, whether it was through my own mistake of being too obvious or through other means, I frankly do not care and do not feel embarrassed or disappointed in any way. This stage is inevitable, although some nights kill me inside from missing you. I have done everything I possibly can to forget about you, but even with all the other people I mix with and laugh with in the day, my mind and heart still wanders over to you almost every single night before I sleep. I miss you in such an inexplicable way that almost makes no sense, I have almost forgotten how your voice sounds like but the image of your smile is like a tattoo inked into my mind. Your smile is perhaps the very thing that reminds me how it is possible to still feel so much for you even though I have distanced myself from you as best as I can, and it is even until today that I cannot understand why your smile has such a powerful and long lasting effect on me. It does more than captivate, it strikes the very chords of my heartstrings and it completely robs me of all sobriety to leave me high on cloud nine even if it’s just for a fraction of a second.

Admittedly, I have, and am going to, lose it all. One day, I am going to forget about you just as you will forget about me. One day, I will forget your name even though like a curse it’s appearing everywhere in my life nowadays. One day, I will forget why I was never able to tell you in person how much I really felt for you, and one day, I will probably forget the familiarity of your smile and the way it used to light up my nights. But perhaps, I will never forget how you made me feel, I will never forget how you took away my greatest pains and replaced them with your own form of innocent love.

All these while I have not talked to you, I have never once stopped thinking of you. I have never stopped braving all of these storms set aside for you, I have never stopped silently praying for you just because you don’t like to be openly cared about, much less coming from me. I have never found such patience within myself when I inevitably fell for you, I have never thought that it was able to love someone as quietly and as discreetly in real life as now. My atlantis, engulfed by the sea of torrential downpours, yet I fight all these storms just because I am ready to die if I don’t manage to stay afloat. There is no way I can turn back now.

I miss you, but I don’t think I can ever tell you that in person. I keep my posts anonymous but every single post is heartfelt and honest. If for a moment you took all of my troubles and pains away, it is now that I need you more than ever. Yet, how can I need you when I am worth nothing at all to you?

Tell me that I am crazy, that I have lost my mind. You are my wish upon every shooting star, and a dream I can never seem to wake up from.

(If only, I hadn’t made that promise to you)

I have tried so hard. I honestly have.

The memory of you clings onto my skin even in your absence, gnawing at my heart in the most complex ways. You’re like an emotional tattoo in my spiritual canvas, leaving your mark deep in my heart even when I try and brush you away. I have never intended it to turn out this way.

I want nothing out of this struggle, except closure with the ink left under my skin. The permanence of a tattoo will perhaps remind me of everything I never said, and everything I will never say.

Jacket on, and my skin is hidden. My tattoo is not illegal but I keep it hidden just for the sake of the time being. I have not worn a jacket in school for the longest of times, but I cover up because she tells me I must. 

It’s painful, it’s needles penetrating your skin at rates of 80-150 times per second, but nothing worth keeping ever came without a sacrifice.

Are you my soulmate?

I feel like I have never had to tell you anything for you to already know it. Your presence, is ubiquitous in my life.

You read my words between the lines and you understand the language of my eyes – you tell me things are not going right before I even realize. My secrets are no longer secrets because I can’t seem to hide them from you, my lies are useless because you see me right through – as though I am transparent, my tangled thoughts as apparent as black and white.

How is it possible? As though our minds are connected by divine powers. My thoughts, are your thoughts and my sight is your sight. My darkest secret I’ve kept for 9 months from the rest of humankind, yet you tell me you have known it since the beginning of time.

Our mutual circle of interaction covers everything that have ever mattered in my life, and you’ve seen me from every side, every angle, every single perspective during this time. You know me like you know yourself, you know me even when you don’t try.

There is absolutely nothing left of me that you do not know of – it creeps me out but it fascinates me at the same time. Because of you, I believe in magic in real life. You’re my clairvoyant, my soulmate this lifetime.