There are certain things that are better felt with the heart and imagined with the mind, than to try and pursue in real life. There are certain people that come into our lives so unexpectedly but they leave behind the strongest memories, albeit increasingly minimal contact in real life. Perhaps, this shall be one of the very last times that we will ever meet, and maybe – just maybe, this is where our worlds will have its greatest collision yet.
To be very honest with you, I have long conceded to my fate and my emotions that this is where I stand. I am done with the tiresome attempts to deny myself of my own emotions that fail every single time, with each relapse even more emotionally traumatic than the previous time. I have said this since late January, and finally I will say it aloud and convince my heart to start facing a very basic reality: I have fallen so hard for you. I no longer care what I will think about myself, I no longer care about the cringeworthy naïvetés of the past. I will not let my head hang low from past shameful events, and I will walk through this storm knowing that I must, regardless of the outcome, regardless of the process.
I guess that you have already found out, whether it was through my own mistake of being too obvious or through other means, I frankly do not care and do not feel embarrassed or disappointed in any way. This stage is inevitable, although some nights kill me inside from missing you. I have done everything I possibly can to forget about you, but even with all the other people I mix with and laugh with in the day, my mind and heart still wanders over to you almost every single night before I sleep. I miss you in such an inexplicable way that almost makes no sense, I have almost forgotten how your voice sounds like but the image of your smile is like a tattoo inked into my mind. Your smile is perhaps the very thing that reminds me how it is possible to still feel so much for you even though I have distanced myself from you as best as I can, and it is even until today that I cannot understand why your smile has such a powerful and long lasting effect on me. It does more than captivate, it strikes the very chords of my heartstrings and it completely robs me of all sobriety to leave me high on cloud nine even if it’s just for a fraction of a second.
Admittedly, I have, and am going to, lose it all. One day, I am going to forget about you just as you will forget about me. One day, I will forget your name even though like a curse it’s appearing everywhere in my life nowadays. One day, I will forget why I was never able to tell you in person how much I really felt for you, and one day, I will probably forget the familiarity of your smile and the way it used to light up my nights. But perhaps, I will never forget how you made me feel, I will never forget how you took away my greatest pains and replaced them with your own form of innocent love.
All these while I have not talked to you, I have never once stopped thinking of you. I have never stopped braving all of these storms set aside for you, I have never stopped silently praying for you just because you don’t like to be openly cared about, much less coming from me. I have never found such patience within myself when I inevitably fell for you, I have never thought that it was able to love someone as quietly and as discreetly in real life as now. My atlantis, engulfed by the sea of torrential downpours, yet I fight all these storms just because I am ready to die if I don’t manage to stay afloat. There is no way I can turn back now.
I miss you, but I don’t think I can ever tell you that in person. I keep my posts anonymous but every single post is heartfelt and honest. If for a moment you took all of my troubles and pains away, it is now that I need you more than ever. Yet, how can I need you when I am worth nothing at all to you?
Tell me that I am crazy, that I have lost my mind. You are my wish upon every shooting star, and a dream I can never seem to wake up from.
(If only, I hadn’t made that promise to you)
; 