Day: December 1, 2016

In retrospect, is there anything I could’ve done to avoid all these from happening? Touch my heart, I honestly don’t think so. If anything, I’ve honestly tried my best. There is nothing better that could be done on my side, all else left is not within the control of my hands. 

Yet, the lump in my throat is not going away. The pang of guilt, even though arguably not my fault, seems to want to stay. Delusions of numerous pre-rehearsed speeches and actions litter the back of my mind, words that I’ve murmured countless times under my breath but words I’ve never managed to say. There seems to be an endless, infinite stream of thoughts racing through my mind every single second, a whirlpool of emotions that sucks me away into an abyss of foreign illusion and a realm of unrealism. I cannot be the same. I cannot be the same. Am I insane?

Last night was one of the nights with one of my most vivid dreams – my throat tightly seized in your hands as I grappled and struggled to breathe. If you took my breath away, this must be the most practical and realistic way to do it. If my knees went weak in front of you, it must be because you took my breath away (literally). I woke up so suddenly just before I was sure I was going to die in your hands, drenched in a pool of my own sweat and my heartbeat thumping away. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to explain my dream, but my heart is so heavy – so heavy because somewhere a voice tells me that deep within, everything that I dreamt was metaphorically true to an extent. Except, you probably never meant to kill me, you probably never had any ill-intentions at all. I trust that you have never tried to hurt me this way. Good night, this is where my demons come to play.

The future is uncertain but I think the lump in my throat will be there to stay. Regardless if I can ever swallow it, every day I’ll struggle to breathe, every day I will keep my knees upright lest they fall and give way.