Month: July 2017

It's starting to get a little crazy outside there.

Recently, I took my MBTI test again – 3 years after my first attempt of which I had gotten an ENFP result. Everything remained the same, except that I went from a 75% extrovert to an 85% introvert. In 3 years.

This is the period of time that I'm meeting new people. The start of university implies many new people to meet, many social events to attend, and many new interesting facts that I discover about myself. Yesterday, somebody asked me if I was an introvert due to my reserved nature and my tendency to listen a lot more than I talk. I told her, no, my test results (3 years outdated) indicated that I was quite an extrovert, but simultaneously I couldn't help agreeing with her observations on me. I had never initiated a single verbal conversation throughout the camp, and those that I initiated by text were very carefully crafted and double-checked multiple times for the fear of error. I may have sounded too formal in my messages.

I shy away from loud events and I found myself always in the corner of the room or near to the walls, never in the centre. During cheers, I would slither my way to the outermost corner of the group at the most opportune moment, else I would find heavy beads of stressful sweat trickling down my forehead whenever people asked me to cheer any louder than my barely audible whisper. I couldn't do it. I had never been able to participate in cheers without feeling like my entire soul was being ruptured by an extremely strong force of awkwardness.

It's true that a lot has changed during the past 3 years. It's probably been the most life-changing 3 years of my life. I've witnessed many things I never wanted to, went through some of the most stressful periods of my life, and felt moments of intense emotional trauma and pain that I never hoped to have felt. It's probably what shut me up on the exterior, and instead moved my words to a pen and a piece of paper, an online platform to write on, to ease the turbulence happening within.

I feel bad towards people because I feel like I've not explained myself enough. Then again, I don't know how to explain myself verbally because no words come out whenever I try to speak. Then again, how could anyone understand me if I don't speak a word? I hope I don't come off as inhumane.

I dare not say that I have figured it all out, figured you all out, because I’m not ready to. 

But, I will say that I have learnt a lot about you, from you, through you, in a brand new perspective I have never been exposed to previously. I have learnt much from the words you said, from the actions you made, but I’ve learnt more from you when you go for days without exchanging a single word.

I’ve learnt not to expect things from you, to take you as you are and your random desires to do certain things as you wish. I’ve learnt not to expect a reply from you even when I think that what I said was interesting, or to expect 48-hour hiatuses simply because you do as you wish. I’ve learnt to expect the unexpected, to accept the previously unaccepted and to be patient and quiet when I’m usually hasty and loud; to listen when you are talking and even more so when you are not, to be aware of your actions and read between the lines when you are idle. 

It is pretty much unequivocal that you like to do things your way, and your way only. You are egotistical and a person chary of compliments, one without much words upfront but buries plenty of thoughts beneath your skin. 

It’s been about 8 months now and things have changed along the way; lifestyle, routine, upcoming prospects and future plans. I miss the times of the past where things were easier and much more carefree. I regret the minor details that I had previously not bothered to compensate. If I may say, I’ve grown quite a bit mentally; the hard way unfortunately, but grown I have nonetheless. I’m glad that I’m able to maintain my cool for longer periods of time, and to look at situations in a more matured way.

To you, you have always surprised me; both in terms of teaching me new things about yourself, as well as brand new things about myself. Things I never thought I would learn, I have learnt it in a brand new, eye-opening experience from you. 

Listen.

Today I stopped for a moment, and appreciated everything and everyone that has left a positive impact on me.

I know that things are not always smooth-flowing, and I know that everyone is bound to face some troubles here and there. I know that sometimes I can be on the verge of losing hope; so tired of all the failures accumulated within such a short period of time. We all want the things we don’t have, but we forget to be appreciative of the things that we do have. We are unhappy because of events that we deem as failures, but we don’t bother to recall our successes, regardless how seemingly inconspicuous they appear to be. We have yardsticks for ourselves to gauge our level of happiness so that we remain hopeful for a better future, and sometimes, we inevitably fail to achieve what we initially intended to. 

Today, I want to remind myself to be thankful for everything that I currently have. 

I have a blog that has been alive for the 6th year and counting, and I think that’s pretty impressive seeing how the writing culture is slowly but surely diminishing. Good English is something that I try (very hard) to achieve in every single post, alongside content that I hope do not come off as too mundane. Everything on this humble blog started off as daily journal-like entries, before it took on a much more emotional and personal turn as I gradually developed my writing style. I’ve received compliments on my posts and every single one of them means a great deal to me; without them finding the motivation to continue writing would be difficult. Writing has found me my University course, my current part-time job, and many great past opportunities that has broadened my perspective on the world around me. Language has always been very personal to me, the art of the millions of combinations and permutations of 26 alphabets, together with the usage of effective punctuation, can get almost every single thing imaginable done. For that, I am grateful for being fluent in my language, for all the hard work put into learning and the fruit that I have borne out of it.

I have people that I can turn to whenever things are not going well. Society is judgmental and not always accepting of individual quirks, therefore making society arguably cruel. I have a select group of people that I can talk to regarding almost any matter on mind, to ease my tired and confused mind of the daily vicissitudes of life. Nobody is perfect, and I may have ticked them off here and there and vice versa, but at the end of the day I want to keep them close to my heart. I especially cherish the fact that we may not talk every single day, but when we do, it feels just as personal and heartfelt. 

I have a (somewhat) job, that gives me emotional fulfilment from helping others in something I’m good at, alongside building better interpersonal relationships with people from all walks of life. Some people work long hours for something they don’t enjoy, but I am blessed to be working relatively shorter hours for something that I actually love doing. For that, I am blessed that my job does not feel like a chore.

I just want to feel hopeful today, for all the good things that have happened and the good things that will eventually be soon to come. I am a firm believer in fate and I trust that if I do the right things on my end, good things will naturally come my way. I want to rid the negativity for a while that has been accumulating on this blog, and to hopefully shine some positivity into this rather lethargic mindset of mine. 

And so, my WhatsApp messages, shall not bother me today.

You are one of a kind, literally, at the place you work at. I don’t know why you wanted to work here, it makes you appear oddly out of place; I do wonder if you can fully fit in.

You are one of a kind, figuratively, because you look at me in a way that sends tingles up my spine; even from a crowd away. You move quickly and quietly, one moment I catch you looking my way and next you are nowhere to be seen.

Are you always alone at this place? You have some occasional company but none of them looked like comfortable company. You don’t smile much, but I think you have an adorable smile. Are you happy at this place? I always catch a slight hint of melancholy in your eyes.

My time here is almost up, but you are unforgettable. You’re not even publicly recognized, but I’d recognize your eyes anywhere. You wave hello and goodbye, and I don’t see you anymore again.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, and if possible – to look my way again.