It's starting to get a little crazy outside there.
Recently, I took my MBTI test again – 3 years after my first attempt of which I had gotten an ENFP result. Everything remained the same, except that I went from a 75% extrovert to an 85% introvert. In 3 years.
This is the period of time that I'm meeting new people. The start of university implies many new people to meet, many social events to attend, and many new interesting facts that I discover about myself. Yesterday, somebody asked me if I was an introvert due to my reserved nature and my tendency to listen a lot more than I talk. I told her, no, my test results (3 years outdated) indicated that I was quite an extrovert, but simultaneously I couldn't help agreeing with her observations on me. I had never initiated a single verbal conversation throughout the camp, and those that I initiated by text were very carefully crafted and double-checked multiple times for the fear of error. I may have sounded too formal in my messages.
I shy away from loud events and I found myself always in the corner of the room or near to the walls, never in the centre. During cheers, I would slither my way to the outermost corner of the group at the most opportune moment, else I would find heavy beads of stressful sweat trickling down my forehead whenever people asked me to cheer any louder than my barely audible whisper. I couldn't do it. I had never been able to participate in cheers without feeling like my entire soul was being ruptured by an extremely strong force of awkwardness.
It's true that a lot has changed during the past 3 years. It's probably been the most life-changing 3 years of my life. I've witnessed many things I never wanted to, went through some of the most stressful periods of my life, and felt moments of intense emotional trauma and pain that I never hoped to have felt. It's probably what shut me up on the exterior, and instead moved my words to a pen and a piece of paper, an online platform to write on, to ease the turbulence happening within.
I feel bad towards people because I feel like I've not explained myself enough. Then again, I don't know how to explain myself verbally because no words come out whenever I try to speak. Then again, how could anyone understand me if I don't speak a word? I hope I don't come off as inhumane.
; 