Missing you is like a gaping hole yearning to be filled, a darkness that awaits a flame, a craving that has exploded in desire. All these, kept clandestinely in my heart like a secret that can never see daylight.
I tell myself not to be like this, not to feel this way. I tell myself not to anticipate, lest I aggravate what damage that has already been done upon myself. But I can’t help it, the impossibility of being devoid of all emotions regardless how hard I try and hold it in. There are certain people you just gravitate towards naturally, but how cruel is life that we don’t always receive reciprocation.
I don’t know if it’s the pain of our goodbyes that hurt more, or our hellos. Our hellos mean the world to me, but with every hello comes an inevitable goodbye—they always come too quickly, when I don’t want them to end the most. And so, I’m afraid to say hello. I don’t say hello, but that’s rude. And so, I smile.
It’s ironic how what usually follows intense euphoria is intense pain. It’s like you’re never entitled to feeling that happy in the first place, so you subsequently get punished for getting too happy. They say that you should be happy without a reason, because the reason can be taken away from you. But you make me so happy without even trying and I don’t understand how it’s possible, but you do that so gracefully, so swiftly that I had no time to brace myself for the impact of your presence.
I haven’t felt this way in a long while, for anyone. I’ve almost become convinced that I’m incapable of feeling so much for someone who doesn’t know it, but every single time you remind me that I can fall just as hard, just a lot more selectively. And I don’t know why I’ve subconsciously chosen you. But I have. And this is so hard for me, like a cruel joke we have the worst compatibility ever. I must be stupid.
Yet, I should have seen this coming a long time ago, but I failed to address it. I should have known better from the very beginning when you made me feel differently from the rest, how quietly you took my heart by storm; like a gentle wave of light showers suddenly cascading over me like a hurricane.
I wish you’d know, but I’d rather you not. Lest I take away your happiness with this knowledge, I’d rather take all this pain myself.
Missing you is tougher than ever, but I know not how not to think about you.
; 