I have eyes that won’t close, dreams that haunt me wide awake.
I have sleep paralysis that makes me never want to sleep, makes me never want to leave the night. Makes me never want to leave you. But what I want isn’t necessarily what I’ll get. Normal.
I test the speed limits at 12am down a road I know too well; running away from school, running away from rules, running away from you. My engine revolution hits 3,000 on gear 4 and I know I’m going too fast, just like how my mind is racing, but there are laws I’m obliged to abide by. So I slow down. But my mind doesn’t. There aren’t laws concerning overthinking, though I wish there were.
My body is aching everywhere from gym. My shoulders are whining. My thighs are crying. My mind is screaming hallelujah, pain is pleasure, it’s rewarding after an effective gym session, but every other part of my body demands otherwise. I woke up the next morning and wanted to skip class because it hurts to get out of bed, but I needed to submit an assignment so I forced my lazy body out against all its crying like a mother disciplining her uncooperative child.
My engine revolution goes up to 3,000 again. I need to stop thinking about irrelevant things. I clutch in and gear down, gear 3 should be safe for me not to speed. Wrong. I unintentionally gear up again. I race my car against my mind into the carpark and do a shit parking job. I make corrections thrice because I can’t concentrate. 12am is a bad time to drive. Today is a bad day to be alive. At least the car is intact.
I dive into my bed at 1am, drowning in a sea of thoughts of words people (carelessly) said. I need to stop thinking about these words, my own words. I take words too seriously, I rethink them over and over again until I exhaust myself physically, then I proceed to dream about them even while I’m physically unconscious. My dreams are too realistic for my liking. Some people don’t dream, but they wish to. I dream too much, too realistically, sometimes I wish I don’t dream.
I plunge my face into my pillow, I stick earbuds into my ears and blast my insomnia songs. As usual, it doesn’t put me to sleep.
; 