days like this hurt more than the rest; like the raw numbness in cold winter, like an uncontrollable rage, like an utterly crippling sense of loneliness when i am somewhere far away from you.
days like this hurt more because i miss you a little too much, when everything reminds me of you—from the warmth of a stove all the way to the bitter coldness of my hands against the winter wind without gloves. every day is a day closer to seeing you, but every day in between is an arduous challenge, oftentimes gnawing at where it hurts the most. sometimes it feels impossible to survive the night in this terrible cold, the back of my hands have numerous small and tiny cuts from the merciless torment of the wind. but today these physical pains are nothing compared to what I feel inside.
but this feeling is not new. this is a feeling I know all too well, a feeling I am familiar with. this is insecurity tormenting my restless mind, threatening me that i am always the one at fault, the one not good enough, the one who doesn’t deserve this happiness, the one who doesn’t have a right to feel angry. but because I haven’t lost the battle with my temper for over a year, today I will not lose to it, and so I take a deep breath and suck it all up, take it all in. i shall not aggravate. i will not lose what i have. i don’t want to hurt anyone. I’ve always preferred to be the one hurt.
days like this i remind myself that my pain is not the worst, and that because I have lived through days like this I will live through this one just the same. days like this I know that I’ll just have to grit my teeth harder and push through, hoping that tomorrow will be a better day.
days like this I count my blessings and i count you 2927362936282762 times over and over, for taking me as i am, with all my insecurities and imperfections that constitute the quintessence of my existence. i survive on your ‘i love you’s, taking them in like a therapy to cure this bad day.
this bad day.
; 