Month: March 2018

Run my fingers through your hair; it is soft, smooth, and lovely. They spill onto my skin, like rays of sunshine on a clear morning, like a vast ocean of gentle waves.

You smile slightly and close your eyes, because you like it. I like it too, if you do. I catch whiffs of clean shampoo accompanied with your natural scent; like a soothing lullaby, like the tempting call of the night. But outside, it is bright daylight.

I think they call this hagod. It’s not an English word, but it can be split into two English words. Ha, God. Good Friday is tomorrow, it is the day where Jesus dies to save our sins. Maybe, Jesus should just instead eat a cookie. Because we are all going to sin again, so he might as well just eat a cookie. I’ll bake Jesus a cookie. A chocolate chip cookie with crunchy sides and moist insides, and not too salty like how I messed my last cookie up.

Your eyes close, and I am reminded that there are some things about you that I will never understand. Like how you are always kicking your legs. Like how you use your phone too much in bed. I’ll bake you a cookie too, so you’ll hopefully sit still and stop always using your phone.

Ha, God. I run my fingers through your hair again, this time your face displays expressionless contentment. I wonder if God thinks about chocolate chip cookies. Why am I so obsessed with cookies. I wonder if God laughs at me. I wonder if God bites into cookies.

[she bites God in the wrist]

I think we have all been told at some point in our lives, that we shouldn’t judge others based on their appearance; that beauty is only skin-deep. That what truly matters reside deep within the heart, centred in the soul.

But it doesn’t usually work that way. Not even with those you’d consider yourself the closest to. Not even with those who have walked with you for so long.

Sometimes, I look myself in the mirror and wonder if there are things about me which scream that I am different from the “normal”, and I require the benefit of doubt from others to believe that I am just the same as everyone else. Maybe quirkier in certain aspects; my appearance deviates from the usual social expectations by quite a little, but internally I am just the same. I want the same fundamental things in life, I want to live my life as authentically truthful to myself as I can, I want to be cared for when I need care, and I want to be left alone from the prying eyes of the public when I need privacy.

But some people just need to jeopardise my sense of security and belonging, when I have done nothing to jeopardise theirs. Some people just need to take extra precaution of me when I have done nothing wrong, because I don’t give them “safe vibes”. And maybe in the eyes of others, I can see why they’re doing it. Because I fit perfectly into the throne of many negative stereotypes, because I am effortlessly judged solely based on my physical appearance, because mouths flap freely without a second doubt.

And that is so. ridiculously. tiring. And sometimes it feels like I have to actively make a compromise with myself and the rest of the world; whether to stay true to myself, or stay true to what society expects me to be. Maybe this is just selfish barb, because I’m talking all me and none of you, and I know I have definitely caused my share of negativity on others too. But just let me for tonight be slightly more egotistical, let me vent my unhappiness because today I found it so incredibly difficult to fit in.

First impressions are supposed to be nailed, but for me more often than not I find my future encounters trying to do damage control instead for my first impressions made by others, because I’m just so naturally horrible at giving good first impressions.

But enough with this selfishness. I am equally guilty of whatever I have just rambled about.

Perhaps it is now when I have come to a dead end that I realize I should have been more careful with my words and promises. I should have been firmer with myself, firmer with the decisions I make, firmer with the words I let escape me.

If life has taught me anything, it is that change is constant and inevitable. No promise is ever truly a promise, no vow is truly a vow. And I have broken so many promises within such a short period, over and over again, because of new factors which continuously pop up unexpectedly that take me by surprise.

While a part of me knows that this is not entirely my fault, the majority of myself is regretful, remorseful that I should have been more prudent, should have been more meticulous, more responsible.

Now that what has happened has already happened, there is nothing I can do to change the outcome of whatever that follows. I have driven myself into this dead end, alongside disappointing the people around me that I treasure the most. Maybe I have also driven you into a dead end together with me, maybe that’s why you always ask me to “stop it” because you are more insightful than me, and you see before I do that my actions lack proper contemplation and will more likely than not lead to disaster.

I have gradually come to accept constructive criticism from friends closest to me, when I realize I start to appreciate it when my good friend tells me that I am being annoying when I genuinely am. At the end of the day there is no point in running away from my mistakes and brushing responsibilities aside, so I might as well brace them with open arms. Come what may.

I don’t want to go down this path of mistakes anymore, at least not knowingly.

Let me be more forward-thinking, more responsible, and more careful. Let me stop treading on thin ice, always in fear of receiving less than welcoming looks from the people I was once on good terms with.

Let me let go of myself, let go of this guilt. And let me never repeat the same mistakes again.