I think we have all been told at some point in our lives, that we shouldn’t judge others based on their appearance; that beauty is only skin-deep. That what truly matters reside deep within the heart, centred in the soul.
But it doesn’t usually work that way. Not even with those you’d consider yourself the closest to. Not even with those who have walked with you for so long.
Sometimes, I look myself in the mirror and wonder if there are things about me which scream that I am different from the “normal”, and I require the benefit of doubt from others to believe that I am just the same as everyone else. Maybe quirkier in certain aspects; my appearance deviates from the usual social expectations by quite a little, but internally I am just the same. I want the same fundamental things in life, I want to live my life as authentically truthful to myself as I can, I want to be cared for when I need care, and I want to be left alone from the prying eyes of the public when I need privacy.
But some people just need to jeopardise my sense of security and belonging, when I have done nothing to jeopardise theirs. Some people just need to take extra precaution of me when I have done nothing wrong, because I don’t give them “safe vibes”. And maybe in the eyes of others, I can see why they’re doing it. Because I fit perfectly into the throne of many negative stereotypes, because I am effortlessly judged solely based on my physical appearance, because mouths flap freely without a second doubt.
And that is so. ridiculously. tiring. And sometimes it feels like I have to actively make a compromise with myself and the rest of the world; whether to stay true to myself, or stay true to what society expects me to be. Maybe this is just selfish barb, because I’m talking all me and none of you, and I know I have definitely caused my share of negativity on others too. But just let me for tonight be slightly more egotistical, let me vent my unhappiness because today I found it so incredibly difficult to fit in.
First impressions are supposed to be nailed, but for me more often than not I find my future encounters trying to do damage control instead for my first impressions made by others, because I’m just so naturally horrible at giving good first impressions.
But enough with this selfishness. I am equally guilty of whatever I have just rambled about.
; 