I need answers. And it’s not fair that the questions I so desperately need answers to, aren’t questions in the first place to so many others.
I understand that even then, I am beyond privileged over many others—many of whom don’t even know that their lives need questioning—but still, let me throw these questions out into virtual space today, so I can sleep better tonight.
Why do I always need to run and hide? And seemingly, pull people down to run and hide together with me. This is a choice I have never chosen to make. I have never chosen to always run against, deliberately, the fragile social expectations of how I should behave. How I should act like a person, what kind of things I should and should not do, what kind of things I should like, what kind of dreams I should aspire for. What kind of feelings I should have. Otherwise, I’m wrong as a human. Wrong as a creature who never deserved to associate with society.
There are many things that I have done, which I should have done. But no one has credited me, because they are very normal things. I have seen others who have not done these things that I have done out of normalcy, perish and suffer under society’s cruel criticism. Because it’s never okay to not be normal.
But there are so many things that I have done, or with whom I associate with, that I shouldn’t have. And I have been heavily punished for: emotionally, mentally, physically, for these things that I hold very close to heart, even as a form of self identity. Sometimes, I feel like it’s wrong to live in my own skin.
And how is it that these things that I struggle to find an answer to, are so completely irrelevant to so many people around me? But then again, these people probably have their own problems that are irrelevant to me, too.
At the core, all of us have our problems that we struggle to find an answer to. All of us in one way or another are forced to take cover from society’s unforgiving expectations.
Yet who are we to blame? Ourselves only, for we make up society.
At the end of the day, society is a man made fantasy.
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