Recess week has been quite a painful week.
I didn’t do very well for my test, got rejected by a job, and messed up intrapersonally and interpersonally.
What makes it all so painful is that every time I harbour resentment for things not going well for me, I am also digging my own grave. Fists thrown are thrown back at me. Once upon a time, good sweet memories are grey and slowly dying. And nothing will be the same from now on. There aren’t many more opportunities to just completely lose yourself and pick up again; or at least, I don’t want to.
Routines are becoming more and more volatile. I’m still used to a 12-year routine that the government has made me go through, and now this routine lasts around 3 months each, then a break where I have to go find my own routine again, and then another 3 months, and then a break again, and then ultimately I am completely on my own to decide my own routine for life.
This is what I am afraid of the most. A routine that I will not be happy with. Familiar faces that I don’t connect with beyond their facades, a routine that does not nourish me soulfully, a feeling of irreversible emptiness. Like eternal darkness, but with the lights turned on.
Some familiar faces have become strangers, and I fear that more familiar faces will become the same. But I need to live my life like water on a rock; slow, smooth, and always open to change.
The idea of loss can be quite crippling. Even now I sometimes wonder what an ex-best friend is doing, whether I should send them a text, and how I still remember them by their 10-year old faces, even though they’re now 20.
Time is like a constantly flowing raft down a river; you don’t notice how far you’ve come until you turn back and look. Most people will be stations you flow past in your life, some will overturn your raft, and even fewer will decide to hop on your raft and flow with you.
With every person and event that I tip my hat to, with every building containing many memories that I leave behind; an expired student pass, a terminated access card, they remind me that it is these little deaths that make me more alive now.
; 