My knees have started to become a pretty reliable weather forecaster; they ache whenever it is going to rain. And it rains a lot these few days — and so I have had rather painful knees as of late. But they’re not excruciating, more like a dull, annoying ache. Not enough to divert my attention, but sufficient to make its presence felt.
Dull, annoying aches. There’s something about this particular kind of pain that haunts me. I have a number of dull and annoying heartaches; from remembering a painful past relationship to forgiving something I never received an apology for. I’d much rather forget them, and oftentimes I think I nearly do. But alas, something comes along and reminds me of the past, reopening that wound I so painstakingly fought to close — and though no longer excruciatingly painful, remains as a perpetual dull ache.
Dull aches like this don’t hurt me enough to ruin my day, but they do make me tender and vulnerable. They eat away at my appetite, and suddenly my favourite snack isn’t that appetising anymore. They make me question the “if only”s, as if those kind of questions aren’t the most useless and self-pitying questions to ask yourself.
But today is yet another of those days where the dull aches are back to haunt me. And today is worse than most, because I don’t want to speak about it to anyone. I don’t even think I fully comprehend myself. I have a feeling I’m just over-engaging in wishful thinking, but what the hell, let me dream for once without this heartache.
So I will pretend that I have no regrets. I will pretend there is no pain. I will pretend that I don’t want something I cannot have. Will pretend that, even for just a split second, things could have been another way.
Whatever it takes to soothe tonight’s dull ache.
; 