I have always been told that communication is key, that we should always try and communicate clearly to get our feelings across; to not guess, implicate, or to infer. And largely, this is true. When I look back at my life, so many problems could have been avoided had I just bothered to clarify — such as an unnecessary heartache of 5 years.
But lately, I wonder if some things in life are instead meant to be buried. Buried swiftly, deeply, and never to be revisited again. Some things that are not meant to be understood, and causes more pain when understood, rather than to just let it slide. Some things like trying to understand what it is that I feel for you.
How am I supposed to even convey this to you? In the first place, I don’t even know how to explain this to myself. Everything just came so suddenly, out of nowhere, with no definite starting point; like little particles of confusion that just suddenly coalesced overnight into one whole block of disorientation. I can’t even process this in my brain without feeling like I’ve committed a massive sin, even though I know that I have done nothing wrong — objectively. How am I supposed to face you, if I cannot even face myself? How am I supposed to accept this and come to terms with the situation if my brain shuns even the slightest attempts of self-reconciliation? Also, what’s up with my perpetual tendencies to get myself into such uncomfortable situations?
But my emotions run stubbornly strong — as they always have — for you. But this time, I am determined to (at least try to) let my rationality win this battle. So I will cover, so I will bury, so I will hide. Somehow, through one way or another, I cannot let myself get tangled in yet another situation that I have created for myself out of nothingness, trapped in my own mind.
; 