This raw, numb pain keeping me up all night again. This is not an unfamiliar feeling, but one that came back all too soon again. Tears that will not fall, but every inch of my heart is crying. Every part of me hurts, and this time it hurts just that bit more, because I am trying harder than ever to keep this in to myself — rather than inflicting it onto you.
Because I like you so much, okay? Because I saw all the warning signs but ignored all of them along the way. Because I just let myself fall, even though knowing I shouldn’t. Because I couldn’t have done any better than I already have. I couldn’t. I make up so many excuses in my mind to defend you, because I refuse to see you in a way that reflects negatively on you — because unlike what others tell me, I really don’t think this is your fault. But is it worth it, because why the hell is it hurting so much?
I am trying so hard not to let my hurt turn into anger. You have no idea how hard I am trying, but it is taking every single ounce of my mental strength to keep my sanity in place. My peace is severely compromised and I am trying so hard to salvage whatever that is left within me, to keep the peace between us. Because we don’t need to go down like this. Because I am better than this. Because I REFUSE to lose myself once again to my own demons.
I need to be kinder to myself. If I go down like this, I will burn up in flames and no one will save me. I am tired, I am hurt, I don’t really know what I am doing. But you will not be the reason that I lose myself (again).
; 