Author: Fangjie

But don’t you see, it’s got nothing to do with your physical existence that leaves an impact on me. 

The moonlit sky at night and the first morning rays are all it takes to reopen all of the wounds I’ve been wanting to hide from you. All the lies I’ve told to cover up for a promise I once made no longer matters because I’ve exposed them all unintentionally anyway.

The letter at the corner of my room is rotting, and keep on rotting it shall. Take away all of my faded memories even when they threaten to take my identity away from me. I have lost this battle with myself, again, but I no longer feel any pain.

Perhaps, this was what I expected. Arguably, even what I wanted. But even if it kills me, I’ll tattoo your last words into my veins and poison myself with the lost hopes of earlier days.

My apologies come in incoherent waves and my colours spill everywhere and all over the place.

Tonight, I’ll unlock the chains that kept my mind at bay.

Run, run away and be free.

The truth is, you were worth my every effort, thought and action.

From day one, I’ve dreamt of seeing you beyond our uniform-bound meetings, compulsory shared lessons and common lunch breaks. I’ve fantasized beyond after-school study sessions, weekend study “dates” and holiday meet ups. I wanted more, so much more than you expected me to want, so much more than you were aware I wanted, so much more than what you were willing to give.

More. The higher your expectations, the greater your fall. Countless times, I’ve told myself to never raise my expectations beyond levels my heart can afford to lose, and countless times, those were expectations I had developed for you. I wanted you, I wanted you in ways so profound I began challenging the very reason why I even wanted you. I wanted you even before it was morally correct to want you, I wanted you even before I was aware I wanted you, and now I am liberated of all moral burdens and gained full consciousness of my awareness, I want you to extents I cannot comprehend of myself. 

You are no longer the last thing I think of before I sleep, and the first when I wake up, because you penetrate all the way into my dreams. You hover above my wildest dreams, tempting me to reach for you despite all my scars and you disappear in a wisp of smoke just when I touch you. You challenge the fantasy of my dreams by drawing the line ridiculously close to reality, and so surreal it is in my dreams that it seemingly happens in reality.

You take my breath away, and then you rain on my parade.

You are worth my every heartbreak;

Every single knee scrape,

The wounds I sustained when I

Fell for you against my will.

 

 Every single word you said;

They echo like thunderstorms,

Regurgitating themselves

Over and over in my head.

 

 I don’t stand a chance

To you, my heart is a toy

You could play it

Just for fun.

 

 But darling, behind your shadow and,

Between the lines.

I loved you through cracks and tears, and

Whatever is left of my broken heart. 

Today, I speak louder and I stand higher than I ever stood on moral ground. I am confident. I am courageous. I am brave.

I am a survivor of a heartbreak, the torn and tattered remains of a relationship gone wrong. It is very true that you will never understand the degree of emotional trauma and pain someone else is going through during a breakup, until you actually experience it for yourself. 

I thought, I thought everything would turn out fine. A few quarrels and bickering here and there, normal, right? 

No. It became worse, and it took a huge toll on my studies and my emotional health. Never in my life have I ever been on the list of subpar students, and this year after all that emotional trauma I find myself landing somewhere I’ve never been, lower than I’ve ever gone to. Somewhere I don’t think I deserve to be.

It took 6 months for me to get back to full recovery, and even then the story is not over. I would consistently lie to myself and the people around me that everything is fine, even when deep down I know the hole is not fully patched. Secretly, I knew that I had much to be sorry for to those around me who didn’t hurt me, who cared for me, but I never got down to saying sorry just because I didn’t think they would understand why I would be sorry for, even though the reasons themselves were crystal clear to me.

The truth is, we push away the people that want to be there for us while we chase those that we want (who most of the time are usually not there for us). We tend to forget to stop and think how each and every individual’s act of kindness, down to the very minute details of even striking a conversation with us is a blessing that should not be forgotten. After all, everything begins with a single “hello”, but not everything ends off with a bittersweet “goodbye”. 

Trust me, little actions convey a lot of meanings. Learn to read between the lines, listen beyond the words and see ahead of the actions. Every single movement tells a story, and every single word counts.

Today, I am stronger than I was yesterday, and ever before. I will fight you with my patience and my peace, my laughter and my happiness, and I will embrace the coldness you hurl at me out of your pained soul with my newfound warmth.

I will never forget the happy moments, but I will forgive your wrongs. I don’t blame you, it’s not exactly your fault, but I want nothing to do with you that hurts me anymore.

Come at me with your spears, if you wish, I will stay rooted, I will stay firm, I will be victorious.

Darling, tonight I don’t know what to do without you.
How subtly you drive me insane, I should never be able to comprehend how you pull on my heartstrings this way.

Darling, tonight I can’t breathe on my own.
My breath encapsulated in your hands need to be on its own again.

No amount of literature can express my pain, 

Everyday seemingly a test to the muscles on my face 

Perk up, wake up and smile through the day.

Darling, maybe you shouldn’t be so captivating.
You know not how the slightest actions of yours keep me falling for you.

Regardless, tonight I ask of you,

Take me to heaven,

Or right next beside you.

To me, they’re the same

Synonymous and identical.

I seem to always be caught up in bad timings. Right places at the wrong time. Missing my step a split second too late, crashing too hard right after the warning was given.

But, it’s not too late, right? People have the rights to dream, and maybe one day their dreams will come true. Some dreams must come true, however minuscule. 

I don’t ask for much, I ask for happiness. I ask for the sensation of being loved, the gesture that I am being thought about in the most innocent ways. Maybe, I don’t know what I want, nor do I know how to properly reciprocate. It seems like I’ve done so many regretful things, cringeworthy in so many aspects, yet still on search for self-balance and the salvation from my sins. I don’t mean to offend anyone, I’ve never struck to derive pleasure off anyone. Still, I’m a wretched, lost sheep. My soul is torn and tattered by painful regrets and my heart once battered by the guilt of my sins.

I’m afraid to approach you because I don’t want to hurt you. I want you in the most innocent ways a sinner can ever hope to define innocence. I want to see your smile radiate that way, every single day, first thing in the morning, lighting up my day better than the sun can. I want to see your eyes sparkle, every single day, like the twinkle of the night sky kissing me to sleep.

I don’t want you to feel pressurized or hurt, or even distressed because I feel so much for you. I’ll keep your smile in my heart, twinkle in my eyes forever because they remind me of you. I’ve never been as truthful as I was to you when I told you that I loved your smile – it’s true, but not completely true. I loved your smile, but more importantly I love you. You invade my plain dreams and take me to paradise in the wee hours of the morning, gently sending me off back to reality at the first rays that penetrate my room. You taught me how to feel, ever so discreetly in front of you, even when my heart was exploding with emotion. I hope you’ll never guess that how shy I am in front of you, how I’ll purposely not have any physical touch with you just because I will get addicted to you. The only reason why I ever avoided you is because I don’t want to fall too hard for you, darling, but you are still every bit perfect and breathtaking.

Flashback: I missed the times where communicating with you was trivial talk with no hidden meanings. Where smiles were genuine amiable smiles and your actions didn’t affect my mood. Nonetheless, I’ll safekeep your innocence and carefreeness by never telling you how much I feel until you’re ready to. I’ll never force you into doing something you don’t want to, and I’ll let you go whenever you want to.

Perhaps, when you love a flower, you should just leave it to grow. By picking it up, it’ll slowly suffocate and die when love is supposed to heal. I understand that you need to roam and grow, but if someday you will come to me I promise I’ll never make you cold.

X

Darling,

Remember when I told you I’d never fall for you? I lied.

I’m a wicked beast, a liar and bipolar. Hidden under these sheets of falsity I’ve only fallen for you even worse. 

I’ve fallen for everything about you – your eyes, smile, personality, the crinkles at the corner of your mouth. 

I can’t lie to you, I’m shy as hell around you. You make my heart race, but I don’t even know if I know how to love you. 

You rob me of my words and take my breath away. You’re an addiction I hope to never resist.

May I tell you I love you? It’s killing me to conceal myself.

It’s already been aching for a long while – the dull ache beating against my chest, threatening to suffocate me to death. Yet, it’s addictive. It’s like taking drugs, a race against the time bomb that ticks down second by second. You know it – you know that one day it’ll explode. You know that you’ll be shattered to pieces.

Every single day is my challenge to smile. Not any smile, but a genuine smile. I’m thankful for a stable lifestyle, though very hectic indeed recently, but thankful nonetheless. It’s a process I’m still trying to learn, a process that cannot be forced, only practiced. It’s something that I must learn to accept, mentally challenging and emotionally draining, but I must accept it nonetheless. It’s very very tiring. 

It’s guilt. It’s desire. It’s the very quintessence of human nature; to want, to desire, to dream. It’s the essence that keeps us alive as a human race; to strive for better things each and every day. I’m trying very hard to draw the line, but somebody keeps telling me to blur it out. Yes, what’s the point anyway? 

My language is obscure as hell and so is my train of thought. Perhaps I shall be hit by the train of reality hard, but until then I shall keep walking the tightrope of fantasy, praying I don’t ever drop.

Once upon a time my love for you was fiery and intense, and every single little word of sweet nothingness meant everything to me.

Once upon a time I meant the words I said to you and firmly believed that we would make something out of ourselves that we could be proud of in the future.

There came the first wave, the second, the third, fourth and fifth. Our grounds were shaken, promises broken and trust shattered into tiny little fragments that cannot be recovered.

Darling, we tried to salvage everything between us. You never forget your first kiss and you never forget your first taste of true love. I never doubted that, and never will.

Once upon a time, love was meant to be pure. Had I plucked the flower out of its soil, today it shall be returned back to the ground. Love is admiration and healthy satisfaction, never aggravation nor desperation.

Darling we may be over for real this time, our flames have finally extinguished for each other. Nonetheless, every single once upon a time with you was beautiful, it’s a pity there would not be a happily ever after.

For too long, I have fantasized over the impossible. 

Even after so long, my brain and body have come to consensus, but my heart and soul are still raging on, running a marathon that seems to last forever.