Author: Fangjie

Today, I wished I did not exist, more than I had ever wished to. The thought of ending it all peaked to a new level of high, inversely proportionate to my plunging self-respect and esteem. 

Evil, corrupted, fake and undeserving.

I don’t recognize the monster in the mirror. I don’t recognize the words it speaks, the pain it inflicts on everyone around it. Devil. A devil’s possession perhaps finally exposed to its sins.

All too familiar. First, the reddening of the face. Next, the cracking in the voice. Third, the shrinking away from me, and last, a cry no one else has seen, telling me to go away. 

What’s new? Happiness, praise, disappointment, hurt, and pain. Repeat process over and over again. It’s why I’ve now shut up, it’s why I never expressed how I felt despite all the pain. Not to you, never to you. 

Two kills in one day. Clank. Thump. Thump. Let my blood be the rain that cleanses the pain. 

Never in my life has a monster appeared so close, so close that it exists within the very depths of this soul.

Annihilate. 

A mind which is jealous, a heart that is tarred. Hands that only know damage, a mouth that only scars.

Go, off you go. Useless, wretched, bastard. 

I shall never see you again, until you remove your mask.

Perhaps I’ve never understood the concepts of the human soul.

I’ve stared at that strikethrough for the longest of time, and it may 99% be pure coincidence, but stubbornness clings to the remaining 1%, that maybe, just maybe, it was fated destiny.

I don’t believe it. As though ink could reproduce itself and perfect itself into the form my eyes perceive, but holding a completely different intended meaning. 

What was that for? Why does it matter anyway?

Next stop, dead hearts.

Brace yourself – the pain may be excruciating. 

It’s obviously the most sensitive out of our 5 senses, and precisely because of that you simply do not abuse it.

I’m tired, yes I am. Exhausted, if you may. My tolerance level is getting so low towards incessant, unwelcomed touch I am absolutely sensitive towards consistent, restrictive touch. Touch that burdens me, how do I remain my cool when everything about such particular touches make me squirm?

Please. 

Don’t touch me in such a way. You notice I am tired, but you know not what I am tired about. I am troubled by your touch, I am exhausted at trying to comply.

Don’t do it.

The last thing you want to do is to have your attempts of intimacy turn out as a complete burden.

I apologize,

If I have ever made you feel that I like being touched. Touch is very personal and only very few people can touch me with that kind of frequency you do on me.

I am tired

Please just stop or I will do my best to run away.

It’s been a year since I left and things have proceeded just as I had expected it to.

I miss all of you – I miss all of us, and the fun times we’ve had as one, back when the days were younger and more carefree. I apologize for the tantrums I’ve childishly thrown and for being too blatantly outspoken and sometimes downright insensitive and proud.

I hope you’re happy where you are, who you are, and how far we’ve all came since the very beginning of time. I hope you’re proud of what you’ve attained, and I hope behind every action you have sufficient substantiation to back yourself up. I do not understand you, and will no longer attempt to try and figure you out, but sincerely I hope that you are happy. 

We do not say hi on the corridors anymore, instead we both look at our phones and walk past each other hastily.

Thank you all for shaping me and my adolescence into somewhat delightful years of my life, but unfortunately they were not meant to last for very long.

Perhaps after this year, we may part into separate paths of life but may we never forget the road that we once walked together on.

All the best for your last Nationals.

At 1.35am, the subconscious mind demands to be alive and refuses all forms of attempts to sleep. It is confused and perplexed over the meaning of life, and the purpose it is here to serve. The mind wants to know why their human is programmed into this particular bed she is sleeping in, which in turn is being situated in this very apartment, which in turn is located in this very region of this particular (very) small country, out of all the continents of this particular world.

The mind wants to know why the ultra-fine line between life and death is that last crucial breath, or the Chinese like to call it, 气. It is as miraculous as it is tragic, how the absence of one breath can take a life away in entirety. Every day, a human takes in so many breaths, yet none of them can be undermined. Every single breath out of the millions we take is absolutely vital, every single breath is a challenge between life and death.

The mind wants to know what is jealousy, and the toxicity it results in. We all have things no one else owns, yet our endless pursuit for the “better” destroys relationships and crushes hopes. The mind is sometimes jealous of another human being, regardless be it for their wealth, their brains, or their looks. The mind wants things we do not, and sometimes cannot have. The mind wants to possess sometimes not only its own human, but the physical and emotional aspects of other humans too. 

Sometimes, two minds meet and intertwine for a while, and unexchanged secrets are exchanged. Thereafter, the mind may feel intruded and violated, and the mind may shut other willing minds out from conversation and social exchange. 

The mind does not understand the heart, for its stubbornness and stupidity. The mind has every reason to move on, yet the heart claims again and again, “Let’s try again”, until the human is so bruised and so broken that they are forced to move on. The mind will then blame the heart, but the heart still beats on tirelessly and optimistically despite experiencing excruciating pain. The heart is the biggest optimist, it never gives up even when the mind has long taken its leave.

The mind wants to intertwine with your mind, but will your heart accept it?

I am tired of feeling this way, but tonight just took a plunge for the absolute worst.

Help.