Author: Fangjie

I am at a loss of what to say because my internal mind is in a mess. I realize I am quite a screwed up person and my mentality when viewing certain things are extremely corrupted and morally incorrect. I think that by not speaking your thoughts, you are able to avoid some of the troubles, but eventually people may read you over time.

I do not understand how all these is making such an influence on me, and the need to self-reflect is real. My pride is in the way and it is not convinced why I should take the first step to apologize for something I do not think I did wrong. Do we sometimes really need to give up on our pride just to salvage a relationship that matters to you? What will be the outcome, and is it worth sacrificing my pride for something I’m not even certain in? 

I am heavily oppressed by the different opinions people have on the same matter, and how different people react differently to the same situation. There are things that I certainly do not agree to, yet sometimes it seems that the whole world does not share the same opinion as me. I fight a battle of practicality against liberty, the line between independence and heartlessness is so fine you need a microscope to see it.

Variety. It’s necessary but quite scary. You digest everyone’s two cents and learn about their take on different aspects of life, and then you must decide whose opinions and suggestions you want to keep and whose is better to discard to the back or your mind. Not everyone is mean and cruel but even then the nicest people sometimes do not give the best advices. Sometimes you need a hard blow, an extremely blunt statement of ugly truth to really acknowledge that your pride is not everything. Not everyone is gentle and tender in the ways they love, but everyone loves with a common desire for a change for the better. Understand how they love, and love them back to the same extent that they loved you.

There is no outcome when there is null imput. How can you expect things to remain as it is without consistent effort and dedication? How can there only be talk but no action? What you think is trivial and practically useless if they are not converted into action. 

I do not enjoy inconsistency but I shall acknowledge the things that I cannot and will never have. However, since thoughts mean nothing until they are delivered, then let my thoughts wander free in this vast universe of my mind.

I am a dreamer by nature, forced into harsh practicality under the pressure of inescapable reality.

Let me dream on, please. I have somehow downloaded corrupted reality into my dreams, but I want to dream pure again.

She said,
You are free to go.
You left,
Unknowingly shattering her to pieces.

She said,
I can wait for you.
You left her waiting,
But you never returned.

She said,
Stay safe.
You laughed it off,
But still hurt yourself anyway.

She said,
Take care.
You never saw it coming,
Until when she finally left.

I don’t like inconsistency. It makes me really confused, mentally traumatic and lost.

It’s sometimes painful but sometimes it’s completely therapeutic.

It’s sometimes depressing but sometimes it’s really carefree.

It sometimes wakes me up at 4am crying but sometimes it drifts me off to a peaceful slumber.

It sometimes drives the blades into my flesh but sometimes it heals my deepest wounds.

White lies are lies you tell to defend someone from your own dirty little demons. They are invisible lines not everyone is meant to cross, for not everyone has what it takes to cross.

A face is still the same face, but the soul will never be the same.

Up, up and away.

I don’t think I recognize that.

Stop. It’s either you or me.

Today you looked at me long and hard, the face of someone you loved.

“Who are you? I don’t understand you.”

If my heart were glass, it would have shattered all over the floor there and then.

I promise you that this is real, as real as I am human.

I promise you whatever I feel, is in spite of my demons.

I promise you, I promise you;

Things will never be the same ever since I saw you walking away,

Ever since I caught a glimpse of your pain.

I think I haven’t blogged about daily life events for a very long time, since most of my recent blog posts were just rants about my emotions and random outbursts of teenage angst. Nonetheless, I do think that it is time to finally treat my blog as a blog and actually update something that is more readable by the average human being who does not want to drown themselves in a sea of ridiculous emotional blog posts by a ridiculously emotional writer (I don’t even know if I can call myself a writer because my posts are shit).

47 days into 2016, here I officially declare that this is my last year in my current school. Looking back, it brings me a lot of pride to declare that I started this blog off in 2012 (My second year in RV) mostly as a diary, especially since I used to update this blog on a daily basis and my posts back then were actually normal posts and not as ridiculously packed with emotions as it is now. Unknowingly, this is my 5th year with this blog and it is actually very rewarding to read your previous posts and see how much you’ve come since back then. I actually started this blog after being motivated by 2 other bloggers in my school, who both unfortunately have stopped blogging (Or maybe moved to another blog that I do not know of).

Although it’s a new year, the people in my class stayed the same but unfortunately both of our form teachers had to change, alongside with a few subject teachers.

I started off this year in school plunging down the emotional roller coaster, and it hurt so much because to put a long story short, I broke up with the first person I ever dated. In retrospect, what we had was toxic as hell and I actually neglected so many people in class last year because I was so focused on maintaining the toxic relationship and it’s really really sad how I practically wasted one whole year to know other people better. Other people in class already have somewhat formed close ties with one another but it’s only now that I realise how much I’ve been lacking behind and it appalls me how I was so blind to the surroundings last year. I think it is ridiculous that how with a class size of only 18, I barely know anyone personally except a few that I already knew before 2015. I made no new close friends last year, and even almost pushed away some that had known me before that. I am guilty as hell, and with the help of Mengyen’s blog I feel as though my eyes are opened to the countless class activities that I had witnessed but completely spiritually missed out on last year. There were so many things that I knew had happened, yet my knowledge of it was so shallow that it is utterly ridiculous. There are people sitting right beside me this year that I completely gave no fucks to last year, and it makes me feel terrible to the core knowing that they meant nothing to me back then when they mean so much to me now. I missed out on so much last year, it’s ridiculous that when I look back on past photos I didn’t even realize that they were in the same picture as me. I am utterly ashamed and I am appalled by my nonchalance last year, and to make things worse I was the chairperson who barely knew anything about the people in my class.

Yet, even now I am still trying to sort my feelings out. There are times whereby surges of emotions gush into me in the middle of lessons, lunch breaks, when I’m alone at home and even at 4am when I jolt awake from my ridiculously vivid dreams. There are people in my class who sometimes drive me wild unknowingly because I try so hard to read them when we’re not very close to begin with. I consider myself a very observant person, yet sometimes observing too much can only bring yourself trouble. I am a very sentimental person, yet sometimes having too much sentiments can only result in miscommunication and an utter destruction to your inner self because you feel so much about things that may not even be true.

Above all, I keep certain secrets so deep in my heart that I doubt I’ll tell anyone about it. I am quite an extrovert but I have garnered such deep secrets to myself that no living soul should hear about it. It’s not even that deep, it’s just extremely creepy. I always advise people when we become closer not to come too close to me, because I don’t think anyone deserves to see how ugly I can be inside. Yet, it is times like this that I hope people will come and sit beside me and want to know me better.

I am afraid to tell people too much of myself, and then to find out that I don’t mean as much to them. I am terrified of becoming too personal to someone, just to find out that I am just another ordinary someone in their hearts. I feel paranoid to have someone know so much about me, yet me knowing almost nothing personal about them at all.

Trust, where’s the trust?

I need to learn, slowly, the good things will come to me.

P.S. I hope you’ll be someone who will stay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I remember the time when you were still here,

You’d put me on your lap and rock me,

Ever so gently until I fell asleep

To the rhythm of your heartbeat.

 

I remember the time when you told me,

Darling it’s okay to fall,

You’ll get up again,

And you’ll going to be strong.

 

You took my hand and together we spun,

Spun through my youth into my teenage years,

And when we stopped spinning at last,

You were steadily running out of breath.

 

I remember everything we once had,

Your smile, your warmth,

But now all that is left of you

Is a photograph on the wall.