Author: Fangjie

First,

For you, whom I can’t seem to let go of.

Second,

For you, whom I can’t seem to tell.

Third,

For myself, whom I can’t seem to recognise anymore.

 

Three strikes of red.

 

You had your fingers through my hair,
Brushing aside the loose strands
Weaving through my thoughts
Like a gentle wave in my own storm.

A gentle brush against your hand,
Is like lightning through my soul
Electrifying me, defying everything
I thought I previously had known.

The linger of your kiss,
Sits on my lips for days, and days,
And when I breathe
I breathe you and your sweetness in.

Of all the magic in this world
Yours is none that I had ever known
Yet all must come to an end
A love that never did grow.

I sit on the same bed,
Under the same corridor of our first kiss
And everything floods back to me
When your number, now unsaved, lights up on my phone.

Do I give up for good?
Or must we wait for time to dawdle,
Slowly I will fall again
Into the depths of the unknown.

Apologies never do work
They merely are buckets of paint
That covers up the scars
Of an utterly destructive past.

Even when it’s all gone
The taste of you still lingers,
On my bed, my clothes, my skin
It’s like electrocution for my sins.

You were oil, and I fire
We cooked up the greatest storms
Our love burnt up so fast
That all is left is nothing but a sizzle.

“There is a primal reassurance in being touched, in knowing that someone else, someone close to you, wants to be touching you. There is a bone-deep security that goes with the brush of a human hand, a silent, reflex-level affirmation that someone is near, that someone cares.” 
― Jim Butcher, White Night

I want a hug. A hug so reassuring and warm, all my sorrows will fly away – even if it’s just for that very moment. A hug so sincere I can feel the emotions pouring out, and for that moment I can just bury my face into your chest and take in your reassurance.

But I won’t ask for it.

Can I have a hug?

You never notice certain things until the puzzle pieces slowly fit in, and then all at once, it makes such clear sense you wondered why you never realized it earlier. 

It’s all meant to be, isn’t it? One pillar crumbles and another one emerges, balancing out the pain with happiness, but at the same time an unsettling sense of wary surges through me. It is true that no one is perfect, but flaws can be overlooked with just a little bit of love. Just a little bit of love. 

Just a little bit of love? 

What is love anyway? Is it love when you stay, or is it love when you go? 

Is it love when you tolerate, or is it love when you explain? 

I’m so confused with the things lately, although days are much much better now. There is a constant brightening up my days, but I will need to question how to maintain the situation now, if not improving for the better. 

I am thankful, but now I am also worried to lose you.

I am happy, but now I am afraid that this happiness can be taken away from me.

I am confused, because there doesn’t seem to be anything that can stay.

What is going to stay? Are you going to leave, too? 

I am terrified, but I am thankful. For everything that I can hold on now, I will hold on and give it my all. 

I am thankful for everything.

Please let me see the clarity in this, I am terrified to lose again.

Sometimes you win and other times you lose.

You’ll win battles you fight hard for but you’ll also lose battles you told yourself never to lose.

I told myself I’ll never lose this, I told myself I’ll never lose you. I believed you so easily when you told me you’d never leave, and I believed everything you told me that I wanted to hear. I abused the promises thinking that promises would last, but I did abuse it after all.

Still, I do not understand the sudden change that unfolded in front of my very eyes, shattering me completely without any backup plan. 

It is extremely painful to see that we became everything we promised we wouldn’t be, but even more painful to pretend everything is okay in front of you.

I am blessed with people around me who care about my wellbeing and I am happier around people, yet the gnawing feeling in my heart does not fade. It does not fade because things ended so abruptly, and I wonder how much is unsaid between us.

You’ve seemingly deleted our past with one swift, painless removal of your online diary, something I will never comprehend, something I find it hard to believe. I do not know why it is done, nor do I know what hateful thoughts that have gone through your mind, and the minds of those who care.

Somehow I have not lost hope, but just reaching out in a different approach. I have not lost faith, just storing them away to be used again.

I believed in us, and I believed in everything we said we would be.

I tried so hard to keep you by my side, but instead I drove you away. 

I miss you more than ever, although the physical pain is slightly less overwhelming.

If you ever love someone, set them free. If they are yours, they will return eventually.

I have done you wrong but never with wicked intentions, only selfish ones.

I hope you are happy, and I hope you will find solitude again.

I hope you find someone who truly makes you happy, if the person cannot be me.

I hope you are able to cope with work, and your friendships.

I hope you miss me, as much as I miss you. 

I hope you shed your tears for some someone worth it, like how I would shed mine for you.

I hope you’ll find love that’s worth the pain, and I hope you will have a happily ever after.
I hope for you to come back, but only if you truly want to.
I miss you more than I have ever missed anyone else, it makes me feel more human than I have ever felt.

You are free to go, darling. 
Be happy. That is all I want you to be.

I love you.

Let’s play a game. Whoever says it first, loses. Are you game enough? 

We’ll both lose.

And, we’ve both lost.

Let’s reset the rules. Whoever forgets it first, wins. Are you game enough?

We’ll both remember.

And, we’ll both lose. 

I’m looking for a place to start,

But everything feels so distant now.

The wind is howling in my face

The tiredness in me beats on anyway.

 

It’s snowing where there is summer all year round,

Freezing me from inside-out.

It’s bitter cold in my soul

Since daylight left me some time ago.

 

Colourless, cold nights

The  atmosphere leaves me bland

And I’ll strike out lines of five

Until colour comes back again.