Author: Fangjie

People are constantly tweeting about how they are locked out of their houses because they forgot to bring their keys.

But that doesn’t concern me now, my lock is a fingerprint sensor.

But I do remember, back in primary school before I moved, I used to get myself locked out a hell lot of times. I know. I get that feeling a lot. 

What can you expect from a P3 anyway?

I remember there was this dude called Glenn who lived directly below me, so whenever I got locked out I would go camp at his unit until my parents came back. I remember his mum would ask me, ” You mean you don’t keep a key under the mat or something? ” 

Uh, no?

And then his mum would give me pizzas, and once I even played Xbox with him. Getting locked out of house has never felt this great because in fact I was hoping to get locked out more often because I fell in love with his Xbox.

I fell in love with his xbox, not him.

And then every single time after I got locked out, my parents would come home and screw me up.

But that’s okay, I got to play with a Xbox. 

Even though I got a shelling, I smiled cheekily.

I was such a game addict since young.

Although now I don’t ever get locked out ever again unless I lose my finger, I’ve always wondered

What would happen if I get locked out again?

I loved how I didn’t care about anything when I was younger.

” I promise I won’t get locked out again, ” I said as I locked myself out again a few days later.

Boy I know you’re dangerous
You’re not the one I’m supposed to love
But this is more than just a crush, tonight
So I’m gonna tell my mama ’bout ya (Imma tell her, Imma tell her)
I’m gonna tell my mama ’bout ya (Imma tell her, Imma tell her)
I’m gonna tell my mama ’bout ya (Imma tell her, Imma tell her)

I swear Christina Grimmie’s “Tell my Mama” is so damn catchy.

I’m so glad there’s only one more paper left. Freedom is near.

Actually I have a confession to make : I like exam period because parents will give me lesser stress at home and be more understand. But then I hate studying for it and of course I dread results day.
And also CCA stops. But then I’m not exactly sure if that’s a good thing or not because for one thing I gained pretty much weight during this 1 month pause. I’m looking forward to being back on court though. And training is resuming pretty soon. Goodbye, my fats.

And then there’s something that I can’t seem to get off my mind : 2014

2013 to 2014 isn’t like 2011 to 2012 or 2012 to 2013.

I can’t believe 3 years pass so quickly, I’m not ready for last year in secondary school. Truth is, I’m afraid of JC. I’m afraid of ‘A’ Levels. And even though 2016 seems far away, time zooms by faster than any one of us can imagine. I’m scared to embrace the future. I’m scared something will happen. Please don’t. I wished time would stop.

Truth is that, everyday is a different day, everyday can be a miracle. Everyday is a challenge, big or small. Embrace everyday, face everyday bravely.

Life is too short to waste, live life to the fullest. But then I’m so scared of living life to the fullest because there are always gonna be setbacks that push me off the track and I don’t know how long I’ll take to get back on track again.

There’s something I hate about society, I hate how competitive people are, and how some will do anything to get what they want even if it means to cause great harm. Why? Why are so many innocent people harmed because of greed and desire? Why make this world such a dark place to live in?

I keep having nightmares and horrible visions nowadays, it’s so disturbing.

Maybe I could use some love. Love is so amazing.

Lately I’ve been in a terrible mood. Especially today, when something happened and blew me off my feet. Now I’m regretting it like hell but maybe rash choices are made to teach us a lesson. And maybe I’ll grow up to become a better person by learning from the mistakes I made.

Nobody walks a completely peaceful path in life, storms and winds will blow.

I hope you’re okay.

I hope I’m okay.

And I’m sorry for this post. I know it’s horrible.

Maybe I just needed a little ranting space where no one would judge me.

I hate being in a terrible mood, it’s like something dark just completely engulfs you and the feeling sucks.

I hope everything will be better soon.

Until then, maybe one day a miracle will happen.

Or will it be a tragedy?

I hate how life is so unpredictable.

Transition

I don’t know what to tell from your eyes anymore. Once, they lighted up the world, the most radiant thing for a long while.

I don’t know what to trust anymore. Once, you were a valley of truth. I don’t want your white lies anymore.

“It’s okay,” that’s what you always say, that’s what I always expect from you.
“That’s fine,” I say, because I knew I wouldn’t make a difference anyway.
“I haven’t felt like this for a while,” you fight back your tears.

Neither have I.

Radiance. That’s what you were.

Don’t go. It’s too early.

Don’t go.

But you never listened.

Sometimes we walk past HDB flats and see a mass funeral service undergoing at the void deck. And sometimes, you wear black to Bukit Brown cemetery in memorial of your loved ones.

Sometimes you wonder how it feels to be buried, shut away from the outside world with occasionally with a few stalks of flowers on your doorstep. Qingming Festival becomes your new birthday and christmas combined all into one, because who would visit you on December 25th?

Loamy soil, your new home. The smell of must, your latest perfume. Dead silence, your mp3 radio. Rain, the window to your eyes. Hello, your new goodbye. Darkness, the creator of all light.

And one day not too far, that will be us.

Everyone has taken risks, right? And at least once you’ve gotten away with it untroubled, right? 😉

I’m gonna list 5 risks I’ve taken so far, uncaught. Damn I’m a naughty kid.

1) Accidentally dropped my mum’s Motorola into a swimming pool in 2009. Thank God that was her second phone and not much data was stored in it yet.

2) Brought my phone into one of the EOY papers last year and I didn’t even realize it until the end of exam. That’s when I realized how lucky I was I might be f*cked.

3) I went fishing in Malaysia and I broke the fishing rod and the person didn’t even realize it was broken when I returned the rod to him. Muahahaha.

4) There was this once overseas when I was having buffet breakfast in the hotel restaurant and I sort of spilled the entire contents of the milk on the table .___.

5) I once found a condom in a Taiwan hotel and I….. smuggled it back to show my friends. ( You’re gonna judge me for this one, aren’t you )

 

Toodles guys. I’ll see you soon.

I’m gonna come up with 10 reasons why exams are bad for you. Watch me.

1) The most successful people in our era, were extremely unsuccessful at school.

2) It is scientifically proven that stress levels in exams can cause a lot of health problems for us.

3) Research has suggested that 25-40% of the world student population suffers from test anxiety, especially those with disabilities, or in gifted education classes.

4) Exams cause emotional and physical distress.

5)Test anxiety has been shown to have a consistently negative relationship with test performance, and test-anxious students are found to perform about 12 percent below their non-anxious peers. 

6) It negatively impacts social behaviors.

7) Students who suffer from text anxiety generally feel bad about themselves at school.

8) Common symptoms include headaches, stomach upsets, sweating, and feeling of dread.

9) Excessive adrenaline is released during periods of exam stress, and during exam itself that triggers increased heart rate and breathing, and blanking out.

10) In conclusion, text anxiety consists physiological overarousal, worry and dreading, cognitive and behavioural, and emotional impacts.

Say no to exams.

Just in case any teacher is reading this, I hope I’m not screwed yet.

 

Credits: Wikipedia

I think it’s time for me to briefly summarize this year up a little bit, because every year is worth a story.

Pretty much, I hated my classroom initially because it was in the deep dark corners of nobodyland, and not a single soul walked past my classroom. Not very often, anyway. And it was also a heck of a journey to the toilet.

And I didn’t really like the year 3 syllabus as well, especially when I was already stuck at the first topic of math. I remember doing year 3 assessment at the end of 2012 and I was thinking how the hell am I supposed to endure year 3 when the math syllabus was like asdfghjkl hard. And the timetables really sucked and I missed dismissal at 2.30 or earlier every single day. Now it’s like the earliest is 2.30 and the latest can drag all the way to 4pm and by then everyone would probably have died from lethargy. It’s just not right to put students on the same chair for 7 hours. It will accumulate fat, and sitting down for long hours isn’t healthy for your body and can lead to earlier death. I guess all Singapore students will die significantly earlier than other students. Ha ha ha.

But I really felt the class bond more this year, and we did a lot of things we never managed to do last year, or in 2011 because everyone cooperated more with everyone else, probably because everyone started to realize if we don’t cherish each other now we ain’t never gonna have the time to do it again next year. Sigh I wish we’d never need to split. And if anyone from 3A is even reading this I just wanna give you a big thank you for brightening up my school life in every aspect. Without you, it wouldn’t be the same. Regardless if I’m actually close to you, thank you anyway.

CCA has been very stressful this year, with a lot on our plates. But somehow all of the year threes managed to pull it through until now, and to all my fellow CCA batchmates jiayou for your EOYs. It’s kinda sad we’ll be in our final year in B div and secondary school next year, after which we’ll all be moving up to JC. You guys have stuck with me since year 1, and all the while we’ve put up with each other and stuck through every single competition season from the start to the end. I’ll never forget our team pep talks and maybe this is what makes us, us. Identity.

I met a lot of new people this year, thank you twitter (HA HA HA) but seriously it’s nice knowing new people especially if you already know they exist but social network has somehow brought you guys closer.

Lastly, mug strong. October 7 guys, then you can party the house down.

Jiayou guys.

” It is during the darkest moments that we must focus to see the light. “
And I believe nothing is more depressing than the upcoming EOYs, 7 straight torturous exam days.

But that’s not too bad, one week zooms by in the flutter of an eyelid, right? We’re always complaining how time flies by, right?

I’ve never really been the best in anything, in everything I do. But I’ve always been one of the better ones regardless of what I do. Just never the best. Maybe this is just me, good at everything but I can’t top anything. 完美但非出类拔萃。And sometimes it really bothers me because maybe just once, I want to be the best at something. Just once, at anything.

People say, as long as you have the passion you can achieve it. We are driven by passion regardless of what we do, if not why would we be doing it? Life is too short to waste. But why does the road to success comes with a truckload of obstacles that sometimes so nearly or if not completely put out the flame in your passion?

When I was young I watched a TV show, and I still remember what the host of the show said
“Have you ever wondered, why are you, you? What makes you, you?”

That’s a very deep question to ponder over, and none of us will ever know the answer.

Suppose God knew when our parents made us, and on the day of delivery he sends down a baby to them. Suppose we were all made by him, but planted into our mothers’ wombs. Suppose he created each and single one of us with care and detail, and not one of us are the same even if we’re identical twins.

SUPPOSE we were programmed into the world all at once, and every single person is a server on its own. Suppose you are the only person alive in your server, and everyone else are just programmed there for you. Suppose your friend isn’t really a person, just a server God put into your world. Have you ever wondered, what makes you so uniquely yourself?

Touch your hands, why are you, you?
Turn your heads, why are you, you?

The fact that you are yourself, and not anyone else. The fact that you are a single soul with control over a solid body.

I bet that’s psychology at its very deepest. That’s why I’ve always dreamt of being a psychologist. If not a journalist or a writer.

Ten years ago, I was scolded by my teacher for putting a Lego brick into my mouth. Ten years ago, my teacher said I was unhygienic because I licked a spoon in the toy box. 8 years ago, on the first day of Primary 1, I fell off the canteen steps and I swore pretty loudly. 7 years ago, I was caught by the Bookaburra book company assistant who came into my school and did a book fair sale, for stealing. I still regret that to this date. 6 years ago, I took a Doraemon DVD set from the library but never returned. 5 years ago, I wrote a very embarrassing piece of composition and the teacher read it out to the entire class, I remember myself feeling like committing suicide. 4 years ago, I got into a huge fight with my best guy friend. 3 years ago, I never felt like leaving primary school. 2 years ago, I began a new milestone in my life – secondary school. 1 year ago, I never really understood the blessings of lower secondary before it was already too late. Present day 2013, I am still going through a hectic life with occasional exciting perks that will light me up, and a bunch of awesome friends I can always confide myself in.

I always think the need to reminisce is very important, because it gives you a sense of identity, of who you are.

I realize I’m rather two sided with a very wide variety of personalities

Just felt the need to rant because I honestly think time is going to fast. Like way too fast.

Glad I’m finally waking my blog up from the dead 🙂 I’ll think of more to blog soon.

I think I have like less than 5 blog posts for this year, sorry I know that’s like so pathetic but after EOYs I shall blog more again.
And something is really creeping me out day by day, and something I know that I can no longer hide from because not too long later it’s gonna get me too. Time. Does 2003 seem a very long way back to you? I still remember getting scolded by my K1 teacher because I was licking a serving spoon during lunch time. I still remember I liked Wednesdays the most in kindergarten because for lunch they served rice with potatoes, and Thursdays macaroni. I used to hate Fridays because lunch was bee hoon and I hated plain bee hoon over anything else (I still do) and every single day after lunch I would go to the playground and dive into the sandpit and pretend I was digging a trap so my classmates could fall inside, but of course the depth of the entire sandpit was only like 30cm.
I still remember we had noontime naps and this guy called Simon always took the corner beside the books because he had some medical condition and he needed to have things his way (I wonder how is he now) and I also remember this Keefe guy who always intruded into the principal’s office just to get aircon even though teacher already told him like a gazillion times if he did that again she would slap him hard.
And I remember when someone said “I have a sister in P2!” and everyone would think like how great a deal P2 is and would all look up whenever some primary school kid came back and visited the kindergarten.

And then I stepped into primary school for the first time, such an eye opener especially the size of the building awed me, like I couldn’t believe this entire building was mine to freely wander, and when I first sat at my very first primary 1 desk, damn I felt proud having my own desk even though we were sharing classrooms with the a.m session people.
I remember always wanting to be the good kid, always wanting to be the smart kid. Always wanting to be the sportiest, the most enthusiastic, the best at everything. Basically when I was young, I was a hell of a perfectionist. Don’t know where that trait had lost to along the years because sure as hell I am not a perfectionist now, at least not at everything I do because sometimes I just find the lack of motivation to give a damn for even anything like washing the plates where I would literally throw the plates into the sink and just leave it there for God to clean it up for me. I’m sorry mum.

And to be honest when I was in P2 I thought I would never have the need to take PSLE because I mean 4 years is so far away right?? WRONG.

It’s always good to have dreams, to believe you are the best, to believe in your abilities when you are young, before you grow up a little bit more and realize for every single thing you do, someone is doing it better than you. And no matter how hard you try, someone’s still gonna beat you. And then you realize crying isn’t attracting a lot of sympathy after all, and people start calling you names and giving you nasty looks. Because after all, growing up is a catastrophe nobody likes to experience.

If I were in a normal secondary school, I’d probably start feeling worried because of O levels next year, and final year in secondary school. If I were in any other school apart from RV and Dunman, next year would be the last year I spent in the same school compound again. But just so happens I don’t need to change school compounds at all for sec and JC. And I still feel incredibly lucky for that, because I’m a person who cannot adapt to change very well. And nostalgia hits me like a train.

B division 2014, are you ready? Am I ready for my last year in B division? Am I ready to seize my last season as a secondary school student? No I am not, and as much as I’m hoping for it to come because I love competition periods, I hate it to come because all good things pass by in the blink of an eye.

I’ve met so much people in my entire life, people come and go, do appreciate those who stay. If they say they love you, appreciate it because not everybody will tell you that. Appreciate your close friends who stood by you when the stormiest seasons hit you, and thank your enemies for teaching you how to be a stronger person.

Life’s a battle, are you ready?

I know this hiatus has been so long especially when I used to blog like daily. I remember everyday after school I would get on the bus and dump my ass down on the seat and take my iPad out and start blogging on the bus. I guess it stopped ever since EOY 2012 because I couldn’t pick up the motivation to blog again. When can I ever find permanent motivation for something?

2013 has been fast, a little bit way too fast. I mean I can still remember how on 21st December 2012 I was in Germany and was quite happy even if the world did end I would die later than the other Singaporeans because Germany and Singapore had a 7h time gap. Nevermind.

The other day I came across Mr Soh’s ask.fm and someone asked him to “name all the people you know from charity 6 2010” and it didn’t really hit me hard until I realized that 2010 was 3 years ago. And that already 2 more batches of students have graduated from Peihwa ever since I graduated.

I used to think secondary school kids were big. Who am I kidding. I miss all of my primary school classmates and I really wish twitter isn’t the only way we can keep in contact anymore. When you realize some of your “taller” friends weren’t exactly that very tall in primary school after all. When you realized being 1.50 in primary school wasn’t that big a deal if you’re still around that height now. I don’t mean to offend anyone.

My life literally turned around in secondary school. I joined a CCA I love, which my primary school was unfortunately unable to provide. But I was pretty happy in track and field in primary school but I guess I was really inclined to badminton more. But I’m still very fast on the track, beware >:)
I remember 2011 was the first time I represented the school for anything, and my first pilot pen competition with the team was so unforgettable. Unlike the rest of my team who either DSA-ed or at least had some competition experience, I literally had no experience in badminton tournaments like that at all. “Team” things were completely new to me, and when almost everyone knew at least a handful of people from other schools because of JSA or primary school meetings, I knew no one and no one knew me. I guess I later got referred to as the ‘kid with the fuzzy hair’ by most teams who came across me. I remember someone in nanyang asking sandy who I was and how she’s never seen me in primary school. I’m sorry I’m just a newbie. Even now I’m still amazed by how small the badminton circle is in Singapore. If you play badminton in school, you basically know a lot of people from other schools too. I guess I’m really still quite new and 3 years isn’t exactly enough for me to completely get used to this. I’ve learnt a lot of new names though, and people from other schools aren’t as fiendish as I thought. Some are actually nice.

I’ll never forget those times when the first thing I did when I went back was to use the house phone and call my friends. When communication was face-to-face, if not by calling. No one really texted back then. I guess that’s why friendships lasted longer before, because hate mail didn’t spread so fast and when all that’s in your inbox is some lame chain letter that you know your prepaid SIM card ain’t got the money to forward.

I miss the past, I miss my primary school, I miss sec 1, I miss being carefree. Most importantly, I miss the period before that one day I realized everything was going to change. And when it did change, there was nothing I could do.

In life, some things are meant to be. Cherish it before it’s too late.

I never got to participating badminton games in the under 11 category. I don’t have long before the only one I can sign up for is the open category either. Next year is my last year in B division, I don’t think I can handle it when it ends.
Season 2014, I’m coming for you.

When the ocean rise and thunders roar, I will soar with you above the storm.
I will be still and know you are God