Author: Fangjie

Some are dark. Untellable.
Practically unbelievable.

But telling
Isn’t an option
If you tell
a secret

About someone you don’t really know,
Other people might
listen

But decide you’re
Making it up. Even if you
Happen to know for a fact
it’s true.

If you tell a secret
About a friend, other people
want to hear

All of it, prologue
to epilogue. But then they
think

You’re totally messed
up for telling it
in the first place. They
think

They can’t trust you
And hey, they probably
can’t.

Once a nark,
always a nark, you
know?

Credits: Identical by Ellen Hopkins

I am human.

At least, that’s what I want to be. I don’t want to be a worry maniac, and I don’t want to lose what I have. Not this way. Not like that.

I know you didn’t mean it, none of you did. But it doesn’t help knowing that it’s killing me and I will never tell.

You will never know, and it’s killing me to hold on.

How did things resort to this? I don’t want to know. Please.

Let me hold on a little while more.

I will kill myself.

I want to smile it away but it fucking hurts.

What if,

The skies were the colour of my eyes;

Would you still stare at it everyday?

 

What if,

I followed you everywhere;

Would you still stay the way you are?

 

What if,

I dared to ask;

Would you tell?

 

What if,

I told you I didn’t forget;

Would you want to remember?

 

What if,

I swore what I felt was real,

Would you feel it too?

 

What if,

I told you I was a mask of make-up,

Would you take it off me?

 

What if,

I told you the truth,

Would you stay oblivious?

 

What if,

I told you what if,

Would you believe me?

I’d be lying if I said I was okay;

Lying if I said I wasn’t hurt.

Lying if I claimed nothing was wrong;

When everything just came crashing down.

 

I’d be smiling in a streak of pain;

Forcing back those tears.

I’d never wished any worse than now;

To just disappear for a while.

 

I’d be dying to be heard over my pain;

Nobody wants to listen to me anyway.

I’d be bleeding inside out;

Covered up by my warrior of a smile.

 

Nobody knows;

Why should they know?

Nobody cares;

I don’t want anyone to understand.

 

Slowly I will;

Surely I feel.

One day will be the last of me;

None of you knew.

Let’s play a game. I promise it’ll be fun.
Let’s a game, promise me you won’t run.

Imagine – you never walked into my life and,
I never stumbled into yours as well.

Picture – a brand new me and,
An oblivious, unwary you.

Remember – the mixture of different emotions before I,
Finally found the one.

Believe – when you ask me this question I have asked it myself,
Twice.

Why?

Let’s play a game.
Let’s play a game.
Let’s play a game.

Oh, I wish I could call it a;
Game.

Do you believe in dream fairies? Do you believe in a dream come true?

I wish I believed, I wish you did too.

You can call me naive, maybe even stubborn. I don’t mind. All I really wish I had now is a little understanding, a little acceptance.
Maybe not acceptance, I know you accept me. But still. Acceptance. For who I was, am, and will be. The way he would. But you are different. Do you even know?

Could I take your words for real? Could I believe you? Or was it just my mind playing tricks on me again? I never forgot the tiniest details, they are still fluttering in my mind. Don’t say you didn’t mean it, because I remembered clear well when you first said it. I want you to mean it, even if you didn’t mean it. Do I even make sense? I swear, you are driving me crazy. Do you even know?

Psychopath. I am a psychopath after I met you. It could not have gone any worse, could not have gone any further beyond my reach. I can’t help myself. Do you even know?

It hurts when it’s not supposed to. I smile when I’m not supposed to. I think too much when I’m not supposed to. I try to piece everything together into an explanation, but I can’t because I’m not supposed to. I think it sort of just occurred. Do you even know?

Solitude. I can feel it in your bones.
Imagination. I think mine went overboard again.
Satisfaction. Forcedly tamed.
Crestfallen. Jerks in like a high-speed train.

I wonder, I ponder. Over and over again.

What the hell?

Do you even know?

Let’s play a game. It’s called love. Let’s play a game – of love.
Let’s play a game, the rules are clear.
Let’s play a game – there will be no fear.
Let’s play a game – we will be near.

Except, this is not fair play.
Except, you don’t know this is a game.
Except, you don’t know this game existed.
Except, you don’t know this blog post is for you in the first place.
Except, I’ve hidden smiles; I’ve shed tears; I’ve slammed my phone against my bed a million times.
Except, I might have fallen for you – for all the wrong reasons.

Let’s play a game. It’s called forget. Let’s play a game – to forget.
Let’s play a game, I will let go.
Let’s play a game – there’s nothing to behold.
Let’s play a game – nothing has ever happened here.

Game on.

Sometimes I don’t understand it.

You promised me you would stay. You promised you would be good.

I went crazy last night over you.

Am I over protective?

Should you deserve so much of my attention?

I don’t know.

Everything changed the night we both stayed up to 12.30am.

And you stopped sending me smilies.

And you started replying my texts for the sake of having to.

And you quarreled with me two days in a row.

And you didn’t take me seriously.

And she; she is broken.

It’s that period of time.