It’s been a long time.
This blog is basically a bildungsroman. I created this blog in 2012, when I was 14. It was supposed to be a joke. I wrote almost daily, enjoyed the attention of my schoolmates who read my blog. I enjoyed the attention, and eventually I built up a small readership circle in my school. People knew I wrote, so I kept writing. Until I didn’t.
To be honest, I never expected this blog to last 14 years. I was 14 when I created this, I am now 28. This blog is half my lifetime now. Reading my old posts, I saw a fiery teenager who didn’t know how to censor herself, who spoke whatever she so pleased, who wanted to conquer the world. Beyond everything, she wanted to conquer herself.
14 years later, she has not conquered herself. 14 years later, the world has changed. She changed, with the world. She went to university, graduated with honours, signed on with the army, left the army, went to a private firm where she previously did an internship, left that private firm, and joined a statutory board. She recently hit her 3rd year mark at the stat board. Despite all the changes that have happened in these 14 years, she is still the same person. Still the same fears, still the same desires, still the same romantic. Still with the same intensity, but with less anger and emotional outbursts.
Some days, I feel like I have come a long way since 2012. Other days, I think I have barely moved at all. My routine has changed drastically since 14 years ago, but really, the same thoughts swirl around in this head that I am confined to live in. I’m absolutely sure that I have said this before, I keep telling myself over and over again, but I never learn. To love is to let go.
Why do people confuse love with control and possession? Love is never about ownership. To love is to understand that you are not at the centre of what they do, and to wholeheartedly accept that someone else’s happiness will not always come from you. To love someone is to set them free, over and over again, knowing that they will not always choose you.
Ah, here we go again. Romanticising pain, same old shit again. You never learn, do you? Go cry your heart out. Go tell people you are ok. Everything is fine! Smile. Careful what kind of image you put up at work, they may smile at you but deep down they will judge you. Don’t believe what everyone says. There are liars everywhere. You are also a liar. Liar. When will you stop lying to yourself? Never? Ok. I guessed so too.
I didn’t use AI to write this. I take pride in my impeccable grammar (behold, a grammar mistake somewhere!) and my strong personal voice. My teacher told me when I was 17 that I have a good personal voice, and I wore her compliment like a medal around my neck. Look at me! I am a writer! But I use AI to write so many other things now (cough, work emails). I can smell AI slop from a mile away. Ok, enough shitting on AI. Stop taking the moral high ground now.
There’s still a lot of pent up anger. Right? Right. Maybe I revived this blog from the dead just to tell everyone that I haven’t changed at all. See you again in another 14 years.
As usual, I have a problem with structuring my thoughts coherently. This is a poorly structured post.
