Author: Fangjie

It just can’t get any worse than this.

I’d try to put my feelings into words but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it. My mind is a roller coaster of feelings, and it’s on a downhill run. I know some great things happened in the past few days, and I am ever so thankful for everyone who has made it a dream come true, but there are some things that cannot be ignored. There are some things I feel like there is a need to address, even though I don’t exactly know how to do that.

Passion. It’s the key to all disappointment. If you didn’t have passion, you wouldn’t be disappointed in anything. It’s something everyone has in different areas, and in a field where everyone with the same passion gathers, it’s called a competition. To determine who is better, whose flame is brighter, and who lasts longer, tougher.
Of course, nothing in this world is fair. There’s bound to be moments of irony that pushes you into a hard decision, a decision of do-or-die, a selfish decision, a decision that will hurt you, and all those who matters to you.

We’ve all had it, the battle between yourself and someone who matters a lot. It feels like either way, you’re part of killing yourself. Yet you have to do it, because cowardice is not respected in today’s society. It’s a constant battle between me, myself and I. It’s a battle between the angel who says give yourself a chance, miracles do happen (and I am sincerely believing that miracles do happen, after Wednesday’s utterly surprising semi-finals) and the demon who always tries to discourage you know it’ll never work out, in the end everything will fail. Nobody stays forever, nothing lasts.
Every day, the voices in my head go through a rough and vicious battle. I don’t know which is winning. I am utterly confused. I don’t know what to do.

Time is running out.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.

What am I to do? I don’t want to go.

A million thoughts zoom past my mind, I can’t focus on what I want.

Starry starry night, and the sole comfort I have for tonight.

I’d be staring at the stars, and a feeling so strong that I know, out there you’re staring at it too.

It’s the closest way that our hearts could connect, through a beautiful stream of stars on a quiet night.

I’m in a constant struggle between moving on and giving up a constant struggle between being thankful that it happened and kinda wishing that it had not. I’m always struggling with myself, not knowing what decision to make, not knowing what’s right or wrong for myself, not knowing what will happen next.

But there’s something I want to know – so desperately for the answer that it burns with urgency every time I think about it (which is pretty damn often).
Where is this going? Should I continue my seemingly worthless pursuit, or should I stop? To give up, or not? Will I ever see the daylight? Will I ever know with every step I take, what it will bring me?

I need to know, but with every second the clock ticks I’m losing time.

I don’t wanna lose it all, without knowing why I’ve been here in the first place. I wanna step down knowing that 4 years hasn’t been a waste of time. I wanna step down knowing that I’ve left behind something for the benefit of future batches, I want to know, I need to know, the reason why I’m doing it all. And why, as surreal as it seems, that through all the obstacles I pushed on, on the brink of failure and self-pity I somehow managed to overcome it and rise up higher than I’ve ever been. It must’ve been something I’ve always held close to me, something that gave me a meaning, something that I love, something that means more than anything in the world to me.

Most of the times I’ve been pretty successful, but there were times where I’ve been faced with shameful defeat. I’ve let those who supported me down, disappointed those who believed in me. I’ve made mistakes, been complacent and even cocky at times. I’ve been immature, maybe even childish at times. I’m still learning, but left with not much time.

Time is running out.

I’m apologetic for all that I’ve let down, I’m thankful for all the support I’ve received. All in all, I’ve never regretted being involved in this, walking side by side for 4 years, and although bad things do happen, but in the end I dare say we will end this journey together, as one, altogether.

For now, I want to cherish every game I get to play, I want to play my best and allow no more room for anxiety and mistakes, I want to finish every game knowing that regardless of the result, I’ve done my best.

No regrets.

I hope to prove everyone that has doubted me wrong, and for all the mistakes I’ve made I want to mend it up.

I want to be strong, will you let me be strong?
I want to be a fighter, will you help me be a fighter?

Just a few more games left, I want to push myself to my limit. I don’t care if I collapse in fatigue after every match, I don’t care if I lose myself fighting for what I want. I want everyone to know that where there’s something I love, there’s someone like me stubborn enough to never give up even though faced with so many troubles and fears.

With you, I will be brave, I will conquer it all.

Finally.

The only thing that comes to my mind yesterday, after school finally ended. For 10 whole weeks, I was tired. I was so tired I questioned if I could still go on. I am still tired, but at least, at least, here’s a well deserved short break where I can wake up later and have more freedom in my daily life for 1 short week. 

Tiring.

The only word to describe term 1. New year, new classmates, new school year, new season, new curriculum. Everything is new to me. I’m a person who hates changes, and this year there were so many of them. It wasn’t easy adapting, but I guess I did a pretty decent job because thus far I haven’t exactly screwed up big time. (and I don’t hope to)

Demanding.

The most accurate word to describe this tiring process. Although admittedly 10 weeks wasn’t very long (and time really zooms), but damn sure as hell this was the most demanding 10 weeks I can ever expect to have, partially because of training for season and all that new stuff we’re learning that I’ve never seen before which required quite a truckload of brain and physical power together combined. More often than not I’ve trudged my tired body back home and wondering to myself if I should fake an illness and get an MC for school tomorrow. And trust me I would, if I hadn’t want to miss out on lessons because every lesson missed is an important lesson missed. Everyone in Singapore is so task-oriented. Every day, I ask myself how much longer I can go on, how much longer I can press on leading the same demanding lifestyle everyday. Honestly it was so tiring. Bringing my rackets and training attire to school on a near daily basis, if not a daily basis and leaving school past 7 almost every day physically drained as hell from training and then still having to deal with homework when I go home. It’s not easy.

Acceptance.

I guess that’s the most important takeaway from it all – accepting what’s in store for me and making the best out of it.

Believe.

That’s something I got to do, if one day I were to look back and tell myself that it was all worth it. I have to believe this would be something good, even though I can’t necessarily see it right now.

It’s going to be worse in term 2, with nationals coming up and even more tests and a even more demanding curriculum. This is the price we pay for growing older. Every minute, we are growing older and we don’t realize it.

Thankful.

For everyone who has stuck by me through all these while, encouraging me, pushing me on, bringing me up when I was low. 

This too, will end.

But until it does, it will just get more and more demanding.

Blessed for this 1 week of break, but knowing it’ll get even worse when it ends.

Lately, I’ve been so proud. Proud of everything, my CCA, my teammates, myself, everything. It’s one of those periods in life that I want to hold on forever, let the lingering feeling of pride last for as long as it can.

My results for this term has honestly been the best it’s ever been, and I’m really thankful that I got to discipline myself in doing what I have to do that gives good results. Although it’s not easy, but it’s definitely rewarding.

This year’s zonals is also the best I’ve seen. All 4 divisions worked so hard, and even though our C boys and girls lost, my juniors fought so bravely and even though they lost, lost with pride and honour. I’m so proud of our B division, and it’s not just claiming champion trophies for both boys and girls. Evidently all the hard work put into training, countless hours of sweat and hard work all paid off as the last shuttle went to our advantage, securing the last zonal gold medal I will ever hold. Thank you so much, I’m so proud of all of you.

Nationals is coming up – we’ll continue to do our best for the school, for the CCA, for us. I hope that as the last year I’ll spend in B division, we’ll leave a legacy behind for our juniors that will guide them into loving this sport that their seniors have come to love, to pass our passion down to them, and continue to live up this spirit of a team.

Above all, none of this would have happened if we didn’t have a common dream – to be the best that we can be, and never give up until the last shuttle drops.

Life is a never ending journey, a journey you create for yourself.

Things, change. The way you perceive something changes over time. Barbie dolls, they change from a 3-year-old girl’s everything to just a ragged doll 5 years later. The things you work hard for now, may all seem like a useless, futile attempt 20 years later. Nothing is everlasting, nothing stays forever.

But I want to seize everything that I can, at least for now. I’m selfish, I want everything that I can own, I want everything that seems impossible for me to have. I want everything that everyone is jealous of, and I think, I’m not the only one out there who has a mentality just like mine.

I try hard, I fall down. I get up again, someone knocks me down. Life is a routine of failure, and the probability of one bumping into failure is 99.9% as compared to the 0.01% of success. But then again, I try to never give up.

Mean words, they wound me deep down, they burn me internally, they rip my world apart temporarily. Somehow, on the exterior I am still smiling.

I try to never get compliments to my head, and criticisms to my heart. I really do try.

I try to believe that something great will come out of me, something remarkable.

I try to believe that life is a bed of roses with occasional thorns, I try to believe that at the end of it all, it will be worthy of all sacrifices that I make.

But above all, I try to believe that life has a purpose, and I try so hard to trust that I am on the right track to fulfilling my destiny.

I really do try.

They say, that silence is the loudest scream. The final scream for life before a person too ill dies, the final scream for someone you love when they have to leave. The loudest cries, are not expressed by the mouth, but by the heart. To know someone truly, don’t look at their lips. Look at their eyes, for it is the window to their soul. And no matter how hard you can try, you can’t hide the feelings from your eyes. It just stays there, waiting for someone to come along and notice it.

I’ve always thought that someday, things will change for the better. And in some ways or another, it has. Sometimes we are too focused on the flaws that haven’t changed, that we tend to overlook and forget to be thankful to the things that have changed for the better. I’m sorry if I always seem to be unappreciative, I’m sorry if my wants are always seemingly insatiable. But I think, that is only humanly. To be a human, is to have your own wants, and to always want to have it fulfilled. To be a human, is to sometimes be selfish to fight for what is important to you. But we don’t always succeed. Sometimes, people will bring you down, but you get right back up just because your dreams are still alive. Sometimes, you suffer a big blow to your mental health but at the end of the day, we have to keep going. We have to keep going, because we have to trust that one day the storm will end. Life is built on trust, nothing is a instant two-way deal. More often than not, you’ll find yourself sacrificing so much, putting in so much hard work for something you’re not even sure of. Then why are you doing it? Life is built upon faith, and though it might not always stand, at the same time, it will not always fall. There’s always two sides to something, and maybe if you try hard enough, failure isn’t such a bad thing after all. The greatest people in life go through the most failures. They just never let it get to them personally.

Until now, we should have come to realize that the greatest demons are ourselves, and that no one should control your emotions except you allow them to. They can shake you, break you, but at the end of the day they make you into a stronger person. Or at least, that’s what I’ve always felt to be true, and that’s one thing I’ll always hold true to my heart, that I believe what I do will not go to waste, that regardless of studies, CCA or whatever else I might be involved in, that whatever may happen, I refuse to let it hit me personally, and that I keep believing that one day it will all pay off. And I believe that if you do it well enough, God will reward you for your efforts. Even though they say that life is not fair, it still is, to a certain extent. Life is not a wish-granting machine.

And when success does hit you, never get proud. At the end of the day, pride is one that kills it all.