Author: Fangjie

They say, that silence is the loudest scream. The final scream for life before a person too ill dies, the final scream for someone you love when they have to leave. The loudest cries, are not expressed by the mouth, but by the heart. To know someone truly, don’t look at their lips. Look at their eyes, for it is the window to their soul. And no matter how hard you can try, you can’t hide the feelings from your eyes. It just stays there, waiting for someone to come along and notice it.

I’ve always thought that someday, things will change for the better. And in some ways or another, it has. Sometimes we are too focused on the flaws that haven’t changed, that we tend to overlook and forget to be thankful to the things that have changed for the better. I’m sorry if I always seem to be unappreciative, I’m sorry if my wants are always seemingly insatiable. But I think, that is only humanly. To be a human, is to have your own wants, and to always want to have it fulfilled. To be a human, is to sometimes be selfish to fight for what is important to you. But we don’t always succeed. Sometimes, people will bring you down, but you get right back up just because your dreams are still alive. Sometimes, you suffer a big blow to your mental health but at the end of the day, we have to keep going. We have to keep going, because we have to trust that one day the storm will end. Life is built on trust, nothing is a instant two-way deal. More often than not, you’ll find yourself sacrificing so much, putting in so much hard work for something you’re not even sure of. Then why are you doing it? Life is built upon faith, and though it might not always stand, at the same time, it will not always fall. There’s always two sides to something, and maybe if you try hard enough, failure isn’t such a bad thing after all. The greatest people in life go through the most failures. They just never let it get to them personally.

Until now, we should have come to realize that the greatest demons are ourselves, and that no one should control your emotions except you allow them to. They can shake you, break you, but at the end of the day they make you into a stronger person. Or at least, that’s what I’ve always felt to be true, and that’s one thing I’ll always hold true to my heart, that I believe what I do will not go to waste, that regardless of studies, CCA or whatever else I might be involved in, that whatever may happen, I refuse to let it hit me personally, and that I keep believing that one day it will all pay off. And I believe that if you do it well enough, God will reward you for your efforts. Even though they say that life is not fair, it still is, to a certain extent. Life is not a wish-granting machine.

And when success does hit you, never get proud. At the end of the day, pride is one that kills it all.

Your life is defined by what you love.

Let’s get something straight: You never fully understand the true value of something, until you leave it.

And I’m hoping, it’ll never leave. But sooner or later, like everything else in this unfair world, it will just go.

For as long as I can remember, it’s been a part of me. It’s always been a part of me. Under the influence of my parents, it gradually became a part of my lifestyle, something I cannot live without. I started when I was four, and for twelve years I still continue to do it with the same amount of passion I used to have when I was four. It’s something that I genuinely like, and so many other things that I’ve given up on – swimming, piano, rollerblading, ballet ( yes I really did use to do ballet ) and even track and field, I’ve never once thought about giving up on this. I’ve always treated it like the greatest thing on Earth, something that gives me joy at my darkest moments, and frankly speaking, 90% of my mood depends on it. For my whole life, I’ve been involved with it. I started off watching people do it, then I gradually grew old enough to try it out myself. I’m not a prodigy, I didn’t start off too well, but I’m not too bad either.

They say, you know when you’re truly in love with something.
I know I am.

Definitely, school has given me a great platform to display my love and skills for it. I feel like without school, I would’ve been so deprived. Yet of course, one day we are going to graduate, there will be a time when I am forced to reduce contact with that one thing I know I truly love, and as I age, there will finally be one day I put down my last racket, stop wearing my last pair of shoes and tell myself, you’re too old to continue anymore.

For my whole life, it has accompanied me, and it will continue to accompany me for as long as my body allows, and until the end of my life badminton will always be a part of my one true passion.

This is God’s gift to me. To love something undyingly is a great blessing.

I am thankful there’s something I truly love, because life is nothing when you have no passion.

We all know how it feels when we first embrace change. Overly familiar with the present surrounding, most of us wouldn’t like to have a change. Changes are viewed negatively, people are afraid of changes. All in all, changes is a part of life that is necessary, but not well received.

The truth is, we hate changes. We hate it because we don’t know what’s in store for us, we hate it because we’re unwilling to let the present go. Like how we didn’t want to graduate from primary school, but here I am at secondary 4 and secondary school is the best damn thing that’s ever happened to me. Changes are perceived negatively, and sometimes even violently.

But that’s not always the case, at least not all.

Changes can be a blessing, an angel in disguise ; a rose in a bush of thorns ; the pearl of an oyster. Sometimes, change is necessary for a better life, and the best part is, it comes unexpectedly.

I loved my primary school, but now not so much anymore. Feelings fade over time when not in contact. I love 1A’11-3A’13, but sadly we’re not meeting up as often anymore and I honestly don’t think enough effort has been made to meet up, because everyone is busy accustoming to new friendships in their new class which I am completely agreeable on, because I think my new class is a big blessing I would never have expected, and I’m really thankful for it.

Perhaps I would like to pause to thank 4P’14 for being a brilliant class, where everyone fits in perfectly and snugly together. It’s been only but a month but I already feel like we’re so close together as a class. Personally I think smaller classes are better than huge classes of like 40 people. Minimalize the cliques, expand your social circle. It makes life better when you’re somewhat close to everyone in class, not like when you’re sitting with this guy you’ve never talked to for the past 2 years and then it gets hell awkward because you have your friends and he has his and somehow the two of you are forced to fit in together and get close because no way that’s not gonna happen anytime soon.

It’s also sort of a tough blessing that we don’t have wifi in our classroom ; at least we won’t get distracted so easily then.

And one thing I really like is the seating arrangement, everyone around you is so approachable.
I hope they don’t change the seating arrangement, even though yeah I know…. It’ll eventually change. Hope not. Sigh.

And then sometimes I wonder about the things that change with us, as we age. The opportunities, the people around us, the duties we bear. It all makes sense that at some point of time in life we have to give up on what we hold dearly, and someday it will dawn on all of us that forever doesn’t exist because well, we all die eventually.

Holding on to the present, hoping it’ll never end. Hoping that what I have now will be with me as long as I can hold on to it, before it turns into a fragment of my memory.

As we grow older, our memory bank gets fuller. We get more experienced with things, and more or less familiar with this game we call life.

Life’s your game, play it.

And finally, out of seven billion people on this planet, I’m glad I met you. And that’s something I don’t want to change, but hopefully with time everything will be alright.

Maybe someday I’ll look back at my secondary school life, and a wide smile will spread across my face. Maybe someday I’ll reflect upon my old crushes and laugh at my own childishness. Maybe someday I’ll look back at past yearbooks, bringing up memories of growing up. Maybe someday I’ll lie on my deathbed, thinking back of this life ; from the first breath to my last, I’ll be thankful for what I’ve got.

Blessed.

Studies show that 11.8% of all Twitter users have private accounts, and “love” is the word used most commonly in all Twitter users’ bio. Purple is the most common colour for backgrounds in female tweeters, and black, for male. Only 10.3% tweeters have switched on their geo-location, meaning, tweeters don’t want you to know where they are, but rather, what they are thinking of. Which is unfortunately…… Very negative at most times.

We rant, because we feel relaxed immediately after we do it. Which is very true, I have to agree. But it’s not always good for you. Contradictory to self experience, it shows that while ranters felt more relaxed initially after posting, they actually experienced higher levels of anger than most, or if not at their peak of anger. Likelihood is that they tend to express their anger in ways that provoke. Furthermore, simply reading rants for five minutes can significantly cause a negative mood shift.

I suppose this is why we rant, all we care about is to make ourselves feel better, but we never thought that as we rant, we might even worsen the situation by affecting even more people. Try to stop ranting, I know it’s hard, it’s very hard.

Credits: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/webs-influence/201303/angry-why-rant-sites-may-do-you-more-harm-good
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/10/10/quirkiest-facts-twitter-users_n_1956260.html

There’s something I just don’t understand, even though I’ve been thinking about it for the past few weeks. I couldn’t find an answer whatsoever, and it’s really bothering the hell out of me.

I used to believe everything happened for a reason, and a part of me still believes that. I wanted to believe that all happenings had an explanation behind it, I wanted to believe everything was fair.

It’s not fair.

I don’t want to believe anything happens for a reason anymore, it hurts.

I don’t want to trust fate anymore, it’s too painful to accept the truth.

I don’t want to know, for all that I care, what the hell is going on. I can’t hide my tears.

For once I just wanted to disappear, for once I don’t believe in my own abilities to convince myself it’s gonna be okay anymore. It’s not.

I’ve never been struck so hard by anything, definitely completely, unprepared.

I want to wake up and realize it’s all a dream, but it’s not.

All in all, the cuts have found it’s way deep into my soul.

I just want to feel alright again, but now I cannot.

Will I ever have an answer? Presumably not.

I don’t have such an experience, and I never want to ever again.

Can I ever get an answer? I really pray hard.

Even for the slightest bit, I want to know, at least, I hope to know, will you ever understand me?

I can’t hold back anymore, three years ago I already knew this would happen.

Loving you is a painful process I’m too stubborn to give up.

I never blamed how I never really joined a CCA in primary school, and I never blamed Peihwa for not having badminton as a CCA. I never blamed myself I never ever joined an inter school competition apart from Math Olympiad, and I’ve never ever truly understood the meaning of standing together as a team in times of pure hardship.

Admittedly, I was late, very late when I joined badminton in secondary 1. Previously I had only been training outside on weekends, and when my training schedule started involving thrice on weekdays and once on weekends and sometimes even more, I knew that this all required a lot of dedication and hard work. Something primary school CCA has never taught me. Discipline, team work, respect, integrity. To me, it was all new. Representing the school in inter-school games in secondary 1 was the first time I ever played in an inter school competition. It was late, I was a late starter and nobody knew me. Glad I started picking up pretty fast.

It’s been 4 tough years, 4 years in this CCA. It’s really given me a lot of things, apart from really giving me some additional muscle mass and stamina.

1) You can’t always have it your way.
That was something I learnt the hard way, and I’m glad I realized it.

2) United we stand, divided we fall.
It’s impossible to be happy when someone else isn’t. It’s impossible to achieve anything without everyone’s 100% participation.

3) You gotta fight for what you want.
I don’t think this needs any elaboration.

4) Love what you do.
If not you’ll never make it through successfully.

5) Never give up.
Remember, there’s a rainbow after every storm.

6) You reap what you sow.
The harder you go through, the better the result.

7) Togetherness.
I don’t think there’s any other way that makes us stronger.

Secondary school is full of learning experiences, CCA teaches us what we can’t learn in classrooms. Give it your best shot, don’t give up until the last second stops.

Sometimes, I wish I were different. I’d like to live one day not being myself, but as someone else. A celebrity, a popular kid in school. A bimbotic camwhore girl, a sporty muscular jock. A teacher, a cleaner, a food stall owner. A principal. Anything but myself.

I want to look at the world through a more experienced perspective, I want to see what others see that I cannot. I want to see things in a different limelight, experience things that before that I’ve never liked. Just for one day, I’d like to not be me. I’d like to be someone else, if it’s just for one day.

Identity thief.

Sometimes, I imagined myself growing up in a different habitat. I imagined myself born in USA, UK, Europe, Africa. I imagined being born to poor peasants, I imagined myself receiving help from donation organizations I used to donate to. I imagined myself, instead of going to school and receiving proper education, helping out in the scorching fields of the midday sun, bent over plucking weeds. I imagined myself having to walk a mile every single day just for clean water. What would you be like, if you were the same you from another era, another place, another life?

Philosophically mindblowing

And then I wonder, why do we hate all the things that are good for us, but love the things that can harm us. Is it some sort of natural protest we have against our own humanity?

Sometimes, maybe I just think too much.

But maybe, just maybe, if I get to live the life of someone else in one day, it’ll be a whole lot clearer what this entire thing called humanity means to me.

It’s already the ninth day into 2014, and a full week since the start of school. It’s a whole new experience, literally brand new classrooms, so new that there’s currently no wifi, no projector, and the desks don’t have the thingy regular desks should have underneath so you can put your stuff on. And my classroom is tiny. It’s actually quite pathetic, but it’s a new experience.

And of course, new classmates. Honestly, I didn’t really look forward to the prospect of joining 4P because I wasn’t really that close with anyone inside. I thought it would be a really unenthusiastic class that didn’t talk a lot. Thankfully, thankfully I was proven wrong. I’m glad to say 4P is actually a really chatty, outgoing and enthusiastic class. The best part is, everyone seems to get along well with everyone, even between the guys and girls. The guys in my class are really nice and funny, but not noisy to the point that it’s annoying. So that’s really great. And since it’s a small class of 25, hopefully we’ll bond more such that everyone is close to each other and hopefully there are no ostracized people. I’m glad to say that this class is a lot better than I had imagined, and all in all I couldn’t ask for a better class, with better classmates.

CCA. It’s getting more and more hectic, preparing for the upcoming competition season again. As usual. Trainings are dragging more and more late into the evening, but I can tell everyone is working hard for the championships. Another year, but still the same new teams. Same few opponents, same goals, same dream. It’s not going to be easy, but you never know if you don’t try. Hopefully we will all push hard, as a team, united for a better season with even better results.

Academics. Of course, with each year it gets even tougher, but with each year I get stronger. I’m sure I’ll survive this year, somehow I’ll pull through even though I know that it’ll be a lot more stressful than year 3. Especially with O levels higher Chinese at the end of this year, I’m even more determined to do my best and get as good grades as I can get. Just keep pushing on, I keep telling myself. Don’t give up, because hard work bears the sweetest fruit. Satisfaction. I know I’ll keep going, I’ll keep persevering, no matter how rocky the path gets.

Thank you God, for always being beside me wherever I go, guiding me along the way and helping me when I need help. Thank you savior, for overlooking my sins and still choosing to be by me. Guide me, master. Like the shepherd, I will be your sheep, always under your guidance and love. Without you, I am nothing.